So I want to tell you about this really amazing thing that happened to me.
I have been reading a lot lately about synchronicity or synchrodestiny, as Julia Cameron calls it. The idea is that when you become more aware and mindful within the universe, you begin to notice wonderful things befalling you. Chopra, for example, tells us to pay close attention to so-called coincidences. He states that once you begin to pay attention to these events or triggers you will soon realize that they are not coincidences at all but rather the universe handing you what you need or want, events which we create simply through your own mindfulness. If this line of thinking is true (and there is plenty of evidence to say that it is) it means that as humans we are truly capable of achieving anything our hearts can dream up. And that's pretty damn terrifying. Because it means of course that if you are not happy with you job, your love life, your health and wellness, it's pretty much your own fault.
This is not really new news, books like The Secret have been telling us this for a long time. It's just a hard pill to swallow. It means that we must, for a second, step outside our social conditioning and accept that yes, the matrix is real, and no, it need not control us. I admit, I was skeptical at first too. Week after week in,y Artists Way workbook, Julia would ask me if I had experienced any examples of synchrodestiny yet, and week after week I could honestly say I hadn't. But i am beginning to think that my mind was just too closed off to it. And then something really interesting happened. I was reading an article about abundance and meditation which suggested you spend twenty minutes a day for seven days in a row meditating about something that made you extremely happy, that you wanted for your life. It could pertain to your job, your social life, family, anything, but you had to make your visualization as specific as possible and see it happening now, and not in the future. So I decided to try this. I found twenty minutes was a little too long for me, despite what the article stated, so after the first day I switched to ten minutes with a five minute snooze set on my alarm. I easily did the fifteen minutes. The first day I did the meditation I focused on my personal relationships and social life. I envisioned myself with a loving man and lots of warm, wonderful friends. I saw us laughing together, preparing meals together. I envisioned a happy home. And I envisioned it all happening NOW, which is a little scary, considering I wasn't even seriously dating.
The next day was Dec. 14th, the day of the terrible school tragedy in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. When I woke up and read the news I was bewildered and devastated. In my shocked state I gathered my writing materials and began the two mile trek to the ocean. I wasn't sure what would happen when I got there, but writing and the ocean have always cultivated a deep sense of peace and healing in me so i knew where i needed to go and what to do. But I never made it to the ocean. Along my walk I passed a handsome man around my age (who looked just as disheveled as myself). I said hello absent-mindedly and went on my way. A few minutes later I saw him again, and this time the connection was so strong and overpowering for us both that we began to carry on a conversation (from across a busy street). I spent the next few hours getting to know that man, both of us feeling as though we had known each other forever. A couple hours later I took him to the airport with a friend of his and wound up sharing wonderful conversation, beers, and my next three meals with this friend. Since then I have been in close touch with both men, one as a romantic interest and the other as a friend. I can't say yet where these events will lead, and I am not trying to think about any of that just yet. But I can't help but wonder how much my meditation had to do with these unexpected windfalls.
Here's one more example, in case you are still a little skeptical. Over the past week I have begun to more seriously look for a job. I was on Craigslist and found a position for a personal assistant that seemed like a good lead. I immediately applied for the position. I also made plans to visit another company the next day for a party staffing position. Then I did my meditation. I envisioned interviewing for the personal assistant job. I envisioned all the details of being offered the position, right down to what my desk looked like. Feeling refreshed and hopeful, I went to bed.
Guess what happened. Do you think I was offered the personal assistant position? Nope. Not even an interview. However, I went to the group interview for the party staffing and was offered a job, and a gig, on the spot. It's not my ideal work and it might be only temporary, but it's good pay for the gig with potential for future opportunities, and takes care of making New Year's Eve plans, a day I traditionally both dread and despise. So I can't help but think that the meditation played a part in both these occurrences, and that is pretty hopeful.
Apply mindfulness practice to the idea of abundance, and suddenly it seems as though opportunities abound. We have been told all of our lives that there is scarcity: scarcity of jobs, of money, of love. Is this true? Or is it just manipulation of fear? Am I afraid of getting hurt again by love, or of not getting a job or being able to pay my rent? Of course I am. But we must act in the face of fear. We must have courage. Courage is a funny thing. I tend to think about it in terms of heroes; people who faced great consequences and carried on. People like Harriet Tubman or Anne Frank. But if I am to separate courage from myself as this epic thing for heroes, well once again it takes the responsibility off myself to live my life courageously. And here's a fact: it takes an enormous amount of courage to choose to live differently than those around me have prescribed, to break the mold of expectation, to be afraid of failing and of falling, and yet to carry on. All my life people have told me that I am brave; moving far away from my family for school, moving to NYC at 22, leaving a marriage that was broken, believing in my profession even when others would have abandoned it. Coming here and then everything that happened in the wake of that decision. But to be honest, I have never felt brave. In each situation I did what I had to do to survive, and I can think of just as many situations where I acted cowardly. Some of these situations are even one and the same. Courage is a perception. To some, moving away was courageous. To me it was an escape. Courage is about testing your own boundaries, breaking your own habits, choosing your own destiny. What I am trying to say is it takes courage to live your life more mindfully. It takes courage to step outside the traditional lines of belief of what you 'should' be doing. It takes courage to share my process with you knowing that people will judge me. Yes, it is scary. Go ahead. Be afraid. Be awake. And act anyway. That is true courage.
Somewhat unrelated side note: last night I watched the movie Vegucated. It's about three people who go vegan for six weeks. I have been a vegetarian off and on for a number of years since I was a child. These days I follow a slightly altered policy: I *try* to eat a plant-based diet, and only eat meat that is local and organic. Except fish. I LOVE sushi. So I cheat with fish. I do partially vegan (no cow's milk) but I do eat cheese, butter, yogurt, eggs, and ice cream on occasion. I also have leather shoes that are my prized possession. So why am I telling you this? By now, unless you have been consciously living under a rock, you have probably gotten wind of the horrors that occur in slaughter houses and the disgusting conditions. That's the reason I first went veg in the first place. But watching this movie brought to light some things I hadn't considered. This is one of those situations where once you know that facts it feels incredibly irresponsible and hypocritical not to change your ways. So here, in brief, are some things i learned last night: As you might imagine, the conditions that animals are slaughtered under, milked, and forced to lay are simply put, atrocious. Imagine it as bad as you can possibly think of, and then imagine it ten times worse. The animals endure fear and pain and are not given anesthesia or medicine if they are ill because veterinary expenses would be too high. These animals suffer. Think of your cat or dog enduring the life and death that a typical raised-for-consumption animal endures. Is it really any different? And unfortunately your small local farm is probably participating in these same practices to keep up with the big guys and avoid their costs being even higher than they already are. Second, consuming animals at the rate we are currently is killing our planet. Very, very quickly. From deforestation to animal waste, to CO2 levels, we are hurting the planet at an alarming rate. Third, and perhaps saddest of all for me: if fishing rates continue at the rate they are now, by 2050 we will have completely depleted our oceans. 25% of animals pulled from the ocean are not target species and are therefore unnecessarily killed and then simply thrown back into the ocean. How tragic is that? Finally, overwhelming research shows that a plant-based diet significantly reduces diseases such as cancer and heart disease. But eating vegan does not mean eating only pastas and breads. That's not going to do anything good for your health, and in fact processed foods (such as pastas) are actually the enemy here. Plant-based is key here.
Ok, so this is what I am going to do. I am going to finish up all the animal products I have in the house (eggs, butter, and some delicious artisan cheese) and I am going to enjoy a few days of delicious meat and fish and cheese consumption with my new friends. And then I am going to do my own experiment by going vegan for six weeks. No, I will not be disposing of my beloved leather boots, but I will eat only non-animal products for six weeks and blog about my experience. There. I've said it in writing. Now I have to stick to it. But it seems to me a logical step in my goal of a more conscious lifestyle. Yes, ignorance is bliss, but consciousness feels oh so much better.
Happy living!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Fear vs. Courage
So I stumbled on a couple of websites last night and quickly tumbled into the wormhole that is the Internet, and got super excited about what i was finding, as you can probably tell from just what I shared on this blog last night. There was so so much more too. I instantly felt rejuvenated by what I was reading and couldn't wait to share my findings. So here's some interesting ideas on the absence of fear vs. courage.
On fear:
Fear is not the absence of courage. Courage is acting in spite of fear. We are all fearful. Much of our fear may be carry over from our social conditioning from our parents, which is in turn social conditioning from their parents unless of course they have broken out of this pattern to live more consciously. This is of course the goal if you want live a mire fulfilling, meaningful life. so you know how I love lists....in the name of full disclosure, here are a few things (big and small and in no particular order) that I am afraid of:
I am afraid that...
-I won't have anything meaningful to say to people when I meet them.
-I will never find 'the one,' especially if I let go of my ex.
-I will never have a family of my own.
-I will repeat the patterns, for better or worse, of my parents.
-I will never find the thing that truly satisfies me.
-I will go broke trying to find it.
-I will disappoint and/or embarrass my family in the process.
-I am not smart enough or talented enough to make it.
-I will die having regrets for an unfulfilled life.
-I will embarrass myself when talking on the phone (odd, I know).
Pretty hefty stuff, for the most part. Most of these fears are deep seated, and many of them are related. An exercise suggested by Steve Pavlina (stevepavlina.com) is to take any one of these fears and break it down into ten steps, from least fearful to most fearful. So for example, I am afraid I won't have anything to say to people in social situations. I am afraid of the awkwardness that ensues. So I cope with this by texting with friends I already have who are far away rather than engaging with the people around me; I already know I have plenty in common with them so it's easier. An obvious solution to this would be to leave my phone at home. An ideal solution would be to talk to, say, ten people at a party. But both of these options are too scary for me right now, and they exist on a spectrum of scariness. Don't take my phone might be a 4 or a 5 on the scariness scale, while talk to ten people might be a 10 on my spectrum. So maybe a 1 would be take my phone but keep it turned off in my purse. This is still scary for me, but not as scary as talking to ten people or even leaving my phone home. The idea here is that you begin with small risks and work up to bigger ones. It might take me five times before I am ready to successfully move from leaving my phone off in my purse to whatever step 2 might be, and that's ok. Each time I am practicing positive risk taking and reinforcing this skill. At the same time, I am breaking the cycle in which the negative or safe behavior is reinforced, which in this case is texting with friends rather than engaging with my present company. It is not a fast process, but I am interested to see how successful it will be. Small risks like these may in fact be gateways to greater risks, and lead to a life more fully lived.
Ok so here is a quote I found especially powerful in my readings last night. It is by Helen Keller. Enjoy.
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
Well said, Ms. Keller. Isn't that how we should all be living our lives?
On fear:
Fear is not the absence of courage. Courage is acting in spite of fear. We are all fearful. Much of our fear may be carry over from our social conditioning from our parents, which is in turn social conditioning from their parents unless of course they have broken out of this pattern to live more consciously. This is of course the goal if you want live a mire fulfilling, meaningful life. so you know how I love lists....in the name of full disclosure, here are a few things (big and small and in no particular order) that I am afraid of:
I am afraid that...
-I won't have anything meaningful to say to people when I meet them.
-I will never find 'the one,' especially if I let go of my ex.
-I will never have a family of my own.
-I will repeat the patterns, for better or worse, of my parents.
-I will never find the thing that truly satisfies me.
-I will go broke trying to find it.
-I will disappoint and/or embarrass my family in the process.
-I am not smart enough or talented enough to make it.
-I will die having regrets for an unfulfilled life.
-I will embarrass myself when talking on the phone (odd, I know).
Pretty hefty stuff, for the most part. Most of these fears are deep seated, and many of them are related. An exercise suggested by Steve Pavlina (stevepavlina.com) is to take any one of these fears and break it down into ten steps, from least fearful to most fearful. So for example, I am afraid I won't have anything to say to people in social situations. I am afraid of the awkwardness that ensues. So I cope with this by texting with friends I already have who are far away rather than engaging with the people around me; I already know I have plenty in common with them so it's easier. An obvious solution to this would be to leave my phone at home. An ideal solution would be to talk to, say, ten people at a party. But both of these options are too scary for me right now, and they exist on a spectrum of scariness. Don't take my phone might be a 4 or a 5 on the scariness scale, while talk to ten people might be a 10 on my spectrum. So maybe a 1 would be take my phone but keep it turned off in my purse. This is still scary for me, but not as scary as talking to ten people or even leaving my phone home. The idea here is that you begin with small risks and work up to bigger ones. It might take me five times before I am ready to successfully move from leaving my phone off in my purse to whatever step 2 might be, and that's ok. Each time I am practicing positive risk taking and reinforcing this skill. At the same time, I am breaking the cycle in which the negative or safe behavior is reinforced, which in this case is texting with friends rather than engaging with my present company. It is not a fast process, but I am interested to see how successful it will be. Small risks like these may in fact be gateways to greater risks, and lead to a life more fully lived.
Ok so here is a quote I found especially powerful in my readings last night. It is by Helen Keller. Enjoy.
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
Well said, Ms. Keller. Isn't that how we should all be living our lives?
Monday, December 10, 2012
And one more on social conditioning
A worthy read about the effects of social conditioning from our parents, teachers, society, and media.
http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/becoming-free-of-your-parents-and-social-conditioning
http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/becoming-free-of-your-parents-and-social-conditioning
Negativity and the Role of Perception in Identity Making
Here's an interesting article on perception and identity which discusses the 'grass is always greener' phenomenon. Check it out.
http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/the-tricks-of-perception
http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/the-tricks-of-perception
Friday, December 7, 2012
A List of Things I am Thankful for
This is a list of things I am thankful for. I wrote this for on thanksgiving day, but I think it's a good reminder everyday. The world is full of abundance if you open your eyes!
Things I am thankful for:
I am thankful for this time to heal.
I am thankful for a loving family.
I am thankful for Zatoichi and Stoli
I am thankful I have Gia in my life.
I am thankful I found Stan.
I am thankful for Gabby, and all her wisdom and guidance.
I am thankful for my intuition.
I am thankful for good friends.
I am thankful for the delicious food on my table.
I am thankful for this time to rest.
I am thankful for the sun.
I am thankful for all my moms.
I am thankful for all of the material goods I possess.
I am thankful for the experiences I have had that have taught me so much.
I am thankful for my mentors.
I am thankful for the qualities, talents, and tools that god has given me to move through this world.
Things I am thankful for:
I am thankful for this time to heal.
I am thankful for a loving family.
I am thankful for Zatoichi and Stoli
I am thankful I have Gia in my life.
I am thankful I found Stan.
I am thankful for Gabby, and all her wisdom and guidance.
I am thankful for my intuition.
I am thankful for good friends.
I am thankful for the delicious food on my table.
I am thankful for this time to rest.
I am thankful for the sun.
I am thankful for all my moms.
I am thankful for all of the material goods I possess.
I am thankful for the experiences I have had that have taught me so much.
I am thankful for my mentors.
I am thankful for the qualities, talents, and tools that god has given me to move through this world.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
An Admission
In the past week I have received a considerable outpouring of love and support from friends and family who have started reading this blog. I want you to know that I am very grateful for all of you. But I also want to be clear that this blog is in no way a cry for help. As I write about my own struggles, I know some people will be shocked by what they read. Sometimes I am fearful that this 'airing of my dirty laundry' will embarrass my family or lead to false assumptions. But this is not about that. This blog details my own process of healing because I know there are other people out there who have experienced similar struggles and pain. Some of what I've shared on here is deeply painful for me because it requires me to come to terms with secrets I have kept from even myself for a long time. My journey has been far from simple and far from easy. And yet it is a beautiful one. My journey has been a process of self-discovery and healing that (I hope) will give hope to others who are struggling in their own processes. I am so excited to share my process with you because it is a story of survival and self-realization. I have learned that everyday is a step towards recovery, even those in which I seem to be going backwards.
There is a postcard with a zen saying written on it that I have thumbtacked to my wall right by my door, so that every time I leave my room I will read it. It says, "Every step of the journey is the journey." So what else do I have thumbtacked to my wall? Affirmations, Rules of the Road, an Artist's Prayer, a list of things i am thankful for, and a map that has the words "the journey is the destination" written across it.
Not long ago my relationship ended suddenly and painfully, taking away many friends with it. Then within a couple of weeks a close family friend was in a car accident that had him pinned under a semi trucks for hours, put him in a coma, and days and surgeries killed him. This man was like a brother to my dad, had a large family, and an unmistakable smile. I often remember him scooping me into his arms as a child. A week later, an old classmate and friend hanged himself in the town where I grew up. Then my aunt passed from a long and painful battle with an illness. My quality of work suffered as I tried to balance an intense academic load with feelings of guilt and loneliness. When I started to have panic attacks and other physical admonishments of stress, I knew I had to change something. So I began seeing a student therapist at one of the local colleges, because the sliding scale they offered was the only thing I could afford. At ten dollars a session, I slowly began to recognize a destructive pathway that had developed in my life, in which I coped with old pain in a number of unhealthy ways, such as people pleasing, drinking, socially isolating myself, and fleeing. Perhaps most dangerous was the tendency I developed to "lifeboat" as my therapist and I came to call it, in which I became the rock for everyone in my life but myself, parents, friends, boyfriends, and a husband, who would poor their instability into my open arms. How I wanted to fix them! How much value I felt by being the loyal friend or lover, always an open door, putting their feelings before my own. I saw this as nurturing and honorable. In fact, my sense of worth grew so much from this care taking that it seemed that my entire sense of purpose was derived from the care of others. I didn't know who I was if not a caretaker.
Through the Artists Way and therapy, meditation, yoga, and writing, I have begun to reclaim my identity. I am learning the art of self-care, and slowly but surely learning to listen to my intuition again and put my needs first. This is exciting! Each time I am able to identify a boundary, or allow myself time of leisure without regret, it is a small victory. Perhaps this may seem strange to some of my readers, but for me, these victories, though small, were and continue to be monumental steps of healing.
I would like to invite you to help me celebrate a reclaimed life by sharing some of my affirmations with you. This list is specifically geared towards my own process as a writer, but with a few modifications it could apply to my work on my well-being as well. As always, I encourage you to do this exercise on your own, and then choose even one to post somewhere you will see each day. Mine are posted near my bed so that they are the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep.
Affirmations
I am filled with inspired ideas.
I am a writer of poetry, prose, fiction and non-fiction
I have many talents I can draw on daily. I do not have to be just one thing.
I can follow my dreams and still sustain myself.
When I sit down to write, words flow out of me.
My writing is smart, funny, touching, and universal.
I can become an artist at any age.
Once I unblock my creativity I will have the strength to keep writing.
Do these seem a little over the top to you? A bit ambitious and not humble enough to be acceptable to the standards to which you may hold yourself? If they don't, well congratulations, you are already well on your way on your journey, but if they do, well that's the point. I reached my list of affirmations by first writing a list of defamations, that is, a list of everything I was most scared of about being an artist, being creative, or being happy. This list was filled with insecurities and self-hate. And then in order to make my list of affirmations, I flipped them around. Can you imagine what my first list looked like? It went something like this:
I have no good ideas.
My writing fits into no genre.
I'm not talented enough to be an artist, and my work is all over the place...
And so on.
This is how I really viewed my work and my worth as an artist. It was pretty depressing, but it was a starting point. Each day I see these affirmations, I take the time to read each one, and I think, maybe I am a good enough writer. Or daughter. Or girlfriend. Or teacher. Or friend. The point is that the affirmations open up my mind to see the limitless possibilities for my life and help me push away the critic inside me that wants me to believe I'll never be good enough. Yes, it would be wonderful if that voice inside me could be forever silenced, but for now, I am just trying to make my own voice louder. And my voice is a celebration of me.
I welcome you to share your thoughts, ideas, prayers, and affirmations with me here! Namaste.
There is a postcard with a zen saying written on it that I have thumbtacked to my wall right by my door, so that every time I leave my room I will read it. It says, "Every step of the journey is the journey." So what else do I have thumbtacked to my wall? Affirmations, Rules of the Road, an Artist's Prayer, a list of things i am thankful for, and a map that has the words "the journey is the destination" written across it.
Not long ago my relationship ended suddenly and painfully, taking away many friends with it. Then within a couple of weeks a close family friend was in a car accident that had him pinned under a semi trucks for hours, put him in a coma, and days and surgeries killed him. This man was like a brother to my dad, had a large family, and an unmistakable smile. I often remember him scooping me into his arms as a child. A week later, an old classmate and friend hanged himself in the town where I grew up. Then my aunt passed from a long and painful battle with an illness. My quality of work suffered as I tried to balance an intense academic load with feelings of guilt and loneliness. When I started to have panic attacks and other physical admonishments of stress, I knew I had to change something. So I began seeing a student therapist at one of the local colleges, because the sliding scale they offered was the only thing I could afford. At ten dollars a session, I slowly began to recognize a destructive pathway that had developed in my life, in which I coped with old pain in a number of unhealthy ways, such as people pleasing, drinking, socially isolating myself, and fleeing. Perhaps most dangerous was the tendency I developed to "lifeboat" as my therapist and I came to call it, in which I became the rock for everyone in my life but myself, parents, friends, boyfriends, and a husband, who would poor their instability into my open arms. How I wanted to fix them! How much value I felt by being the loyal friend or lover, always an open door, putting their feelings before my own. I saw this as nurturing and honorable. In fact, my sense of worth grew so much from this care taking that it seemed that my entire sense of purpose was derived from the care of others. I didn't know who I was if not a caretaker.
Through the Artists Way and therapy, meditation, yoga, and writing, I have begun to reclaim my identity. I am learning the art of self-care, and slowly but surely learning to listen to my intuition again and put my needs first. This is exciting! Each time I am able to identify a boundary, or allow myself time of leisure without regret, it is a small victory. Perhaps this may seem strange to some of my readers, but for me, these victories, though small, were and continue to be monumental steps of healing.
I would like to invite you to help me celebrate a reclaimed life by sharing some of my affirmations with you. This list is specifically geared towards my own process as a writer, but with a few modifications it could apply to my work on my well-being as well. As always, I encourage you to do this exercise on your own, and then choose even one to post somewhere you will see each day. Mine are posted near my bed so that they are the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep.
Affirmations
I am filled with inspired ideas.
I am a writer of poetry, prose, fiction and non-fiction
I have many talents I can draw on daily. I do not have to be just one thing.
I can follow my dreams and still sustain myself.
When I sit down to write, words flow out of me.
My writing is smart, funny, touching, and universal.
I can become an artist at any age.
Once I unblock my creativity I will have the strength to keep writing.
Do these seem a little over the top to you? A bit ambitious and not humble enough to be acceptable to the standards to which you may hold yourself? If they don't, well congratulations, you are already well on your way on your journey, but if they do, well that's the point. I reached my list of affirmations by first writing a list of defamations, that is, a list of everything I was most scared of about being an artist, being creative, or being happy. This list was filled with insecurities and self-hate. And then in order to make my list of affirmations, I flipped them around. Can you imagine what my first list looked like? It went something like this:
I have no good ideas.
My writing fits into no genre.
I'm not talented enough to be an artist, and my work is all over the place...
And so on.
This is how I really viewed my work and my worth as an artist. It was pretty depressing, but it was a starting point. Each day I see these affirmations, I take the time to read each one, and I think, maybe I am a good enough writer. Or daughter. Or girlfriend. Or teacher. Or friend. The point is that the affirmations open up my mind to see the limitless possibilities for my life and help me push away the critic inside me that wants me to believe I'll never be good enough. Yes, it would be wonderful if that voice inside me could be forever silenced, but for now, I am just trying to make my own voice louder. And my voice is a celebration of me.
I welcome you to share your thoughts, ideas, prayers, and affirmations with me here! Namaste.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
10 Imaginary Lives I would like to lead
If I were ten years younger, had unlimited resources, or just the chance to do it all differently...
(In no particular order)
1. Child Psychologist
2. Chef
3. Travel Writer
4. Photo Journalist
5. Cowgirl
6. Yoga teacher
7. Life Coach/health and wellness coach
8. Zoologist
9. Vet technician
10. Life long student
Now make your own.
(In no particular order)
1. Child Psychologist
2. Chef
3. Travel Writer
4. Photo Journalist
5. Cowgirl
6. Yoga teacher
7. Life Coach/health and wellness coach
8. Zoologist
9. Vet technician
10. Life long student
Now make your own.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Strong feelings and a new day
I want to get this down before it disappears. I feel good right now. After three and a half days of feeling like shit, drinking too much, smoking too much, and generally incapable of fighting the loneliness that creeps into my body should I ever let down my guard, today I feel different.
I had a string recognitions occur this week. For one, I have been experiencing holiday blues. But I guess I didn't expect that because honestly I had one of the best thanksgivings I have had in years. My friend Mindy graciously invited me to spend the entire weekend with her family, we cooked together, drank wine together, I rolled out of bed and had coffee with them every morning, and we even went on one amazing kayaking trip (in November!) which resulted in beers and crabs and getting rescued so we didn't even have to have a boozy and windy ride back. I mean seriously? What could be better? Sunday night I began to feel the dread of things getting back to normal and drank my sorrows away with a new first date alla online dating, which inevitably led to a relentless hangover on Monday, making the anxiety and depression so much worse. Tuesday was therapy and my doc seemed to think I'd regressed; she even called in her super to talk about what was going on. The diagnosis? Post holiday blues. As great as spending the holidays with Mindy's family was, it was a reminder of what I don't have: a close knit, functional family, and a reminder of how much I have wanted and continue to want this myself. This brings about a familiar fear that this is never going to happen for me, that I'm too old, and that I wasted so many of my best years in a bad marriage and then recovering from that marriage.
I harbor a lot of these types of fears. For example, just one little phrase from my father insinuating that perhaps I wasted my time doing a masters degree that would not ultimately bring me satisfaction, let alone the 30k that masters degree cost me, sent me reeling into thoughts that I will never truly be satisfied with my career and I have wasted the opportunity to go to grad school for something I really want to do. And then there was the comment that I had 'to get something out of this experience' insinuating that my own mental health and well-being are not enough of a reward for all the work I have spent the last few months doing. At the time this comment made by one person seemed to be reflected in every voice around me. But someone please tell me, why do I have to fight so hard to be allowed my own well-being?
These are the fears that haunt me and reckon me paralyzed to take actions for myself. The are what brings about in me this unhealthy jealousy of people around me who have fulfilling families and careers and the sadness that results from that.
The second thing I have realized this week was that all of this, the depression over the loss of one love, the prolonged marriage and resulting trauma, the absurd loneliness, all are the result of not feeling loved enough as a child, internalizing those feelings, and then not feeling good enough to be worthy of love. And then somewhere along the line I got the idea that if I could take care of other people I would have an innate sense of purpose. I would feel important and perhaps even worthy of love. I could also be everything everyone wanted of me; my lovers, my husband, my parents, my friends, I could take this enormous responsibility for pleasing everyone else onto myself and then maybe, just maybe, I would be lovable. I learned to repress anger and sadness and to be enormously hard on myself. Because of course not being good enough would be the result of not working hard enough, and would mean not being loved, and this is the deepest and most frightening fear I harbor.
So here's the good news. These are a child's fears. They are no less real, in fact in some ways they are more so because they formed during the formative time in my life when I was just coming to learn about love and family and self worth. But the reality is these feelings, this protective cocoon I have wrapped myself in, no longer serves me. I can honestly say that today I am surrounded by support. I have friends on every corner of this planet and there are people all around me who would like to get to know me. I have love. I HAVE LOVE! And I want to thank each and every one of my friends who are helping me on this journey, who have held my hand through all of this. When I am most alone with myself, I have you.
I am not going to pretend that this is over or that it ever will be over. All I can say is today is a good day, one where I can recognize the abundance the universe has to offer me, that my work has been worthwhile and that it is ok that I may not feel this way tomorrow. For now, I have today.
I had a string recognitions occur this week. For one, I have been experiencing holiday blues. But I guess I didn't expect that because honestly I had one of the best thanksgivings I have had in years. My friend Mindy graciously invited me to spend the entire weekend with her family, we cooked together, drank wine together, I rolled out of bed and had coffee with them every morning, and we even went on one amazing kayaking trip (in November!) which resulted in beers and crabs and getting rescued so we didn't even have to have a boozy and windy ride back. I mean seriously? What could be better? Sunday night I began to feel the dread of things getting back to normal and drank my sorrows away with a new first date alla online dating, which inevitably led to a relentless hangover on Monday, making the anxiety and depression so much worse. Tuesday was therapy and my doc seemed to think I'd regressed; she even called in her super to talk about what was going on. The diagnosis? Post holiday blues. As great as spending the holidays with Mindy's family was, it was a reminder of what I don't have: a close knit, functional family, and a reminder of how much I have wanted and continue to want this myself. This brings about a familiar fear that this is never going to happen for me, that I'm too old, and that I wasted so many of my best years in a bad marriage and then recovering from that marriage.
I harbor a lot of these types of fears. For example, just one little phrase from my father insinuating that perhaps I wasted my time doing a masters degree that would not ultimately bring me satisfaction, let alone the 30k that masters degree cost me, sent me reeling into thoughts that I will never truly be satisfied with my career and I have wasted the opportunity to go to grad school for something I really want to do. And then there was the comment that I had 'to get something out of this experience' insinuating that my own mental health and well-being are not enough of a reward for all the work I have spent the last few months doing. At the time this comment made by one person seemed to be reflected in every voice around me. But someone please tell me, why do I have to fight so hard to be allowed my own well-being?
These are the fears that haunt me and reckon me paralyzed to take actions for myself. The are what brings about in me this unhealthy jealousy of people around me who have fulfilling families and careers and the sadness that results from that.
The second thing I have realized this week was that all of this, the depression over the loss of one love, the prolonged marriage and resulting trauma, the absurd loneliness, all are the result of not feeling loved enough as a child, internalizing those feelings, and then not feeling good enough to be worthy of love. And then somewhere along the line I got the idea that if I could take care of other people I would have an innate sense of purpose. I would feel important and perhaps even worthy of love. I could also be everything everyone wanted of me; my lovers, my husband, my parents, my friends, I could take this enormous responsibility for pleasing everyone else onto myself and then maybe, just maybe, I would be lovable. I learned to repress anger and sadness and to be enormously hard on myself. Because of course not being good enough would be the result of not working hard enough, and would mean not being loved, and this is the deepest and most frightening fear I harbor.
So here's the good news. These are a child's fears. They are no less real, in fact in some ways they are more so because they formed during the formative time in my life when I was just coming to learn about love and family and self worth. But the reality is these feelings, this protective cocoon I have wrapped myself in, no longer serves me. I can honestly say that today I am surrounded by support. I have friends on every corner of this planet and there are people all around me who would like to get to know me. I have love. I HAVE LOVE! And I want to thank each and every one of my friends who are helping me on this journey, who have held my hand through all of this. When I am most alone with myself, I have you.
I am not going to pretend that this is over or that it ever will be over. All I can say is today is a good day, one where I can recognize the abundance the universe has to offer me, that my work has been worthwhile and that it is ok that I may not feel this way tomorrow. For now, I have today.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
A New Recovery
So here's the deal...
I moved to San Diego
I broke up with my boyfriend
I enrolled in a year long masters program
I withdrew from the program
I started doing the artists way by Julia Cameron
I went back to therapy
I have begun writing again....and it feels really good.
I would like to use this space to keep a record of my therapy (artistically and otherwise) so that those of you who know me can know what's happening with me and those who may find themselves in similar situations may benefit from my work. I am not going to school. I am not working. Recovery is my full time job right now, and I'd like to share it with you.
I have been in San Diego since August. In those three months enormous changes have occurred in my life, and I have literally made leaps and bounds towards recovering my identity. But most frustratingly I have come to realize that this process is an incredibly slow one (as my therapist says it took years to get to this place, getting out of it is not going to occur overnight.) Turns out it's not going to occur over several months either, and that in fact it is a continuously evolving process that is never actually done. In the masters program we learned that research is a continuously revolving, evolving process: there is no start and there is no real finish. There's only your place in it. The design process occurs in much the same way, circling back on itself and sometimes taking an unexpected turn. I have begun to think of therapy in much the same way. There are days when I wake up feeling elated only to find myself lonesome and depressed just a few hours later for no obvious reason. As I read back over my journaling from a month or two ago I can't help but laugh at my bold assortments about being over my ex, only to read in the very next entry how down I am over missing him. The point is it's a process, albeit a frustrating one.
As slow and painful as this process has been, there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choices in coming here and in withdrawing from the masters program to work on myself, and I dare to say it, even in ending things with my ex so I could spend this time working on me. There are days when this process could be compared in relearning to walk after a debilitating accident, only in my case it's like I've had hundreds of tiny accidents and a few big ones.
In my therapy I was asked to create a mission statement which would help me make choices for my life that were more in line with the greater goals I have set for myself. I found the process of writing a mission statement incredibly empowering and I highly, highly suggest creating one for yourself. I think couples should create one for themselves as well. So here's mine:
Mission Statement
The people and things I commit to my life, along with the actions I take are for the greater good of my life rather than for the benefit of others or to meet a short term need.
My intentions for my life include physical and emotional well-being, financial and emotional independence, stability in those I choose to be with, and a sense of purpose that comes from helping others in a professional rather than personal capacity.
I will actively pursue these intentions through the actions I take, not only allowing people and things into my life that are catalysts for well-being, but also allowing myself the time and money to invest in me, acknowledging that while the opinions of others are valid to a certain degree, only I can know and fulfill the true intentions for my life.
So that's it. It's important to recognize that a mission statement is a living document and as our life goals change, so will the mission statement.
One more thing before I go, though I have so much more to tell you. Something that I learned today is that I have difficulty honoring my emotions. For some reason I have developed the sense that it is bad to feel sad or to be angry. Now I must dismantle this old belief. In fact, it is healthful to allow oneself to honor the emotions we feel, it is a part of the healing process. I'm not quite sure yet that I understand what it means to honor your emotions, but it's something I want to learn to do, so suggestions are welcomed.
Thanks for reading. Until next time. Z
I moved to San Diego
I broke up with my boyfriend
I enrolled in a year long masters program
I withdrew from the program
I started doing the artists way by Julia Cameron
I went back to therapy
I have begun writing again....and it feels really good.
I would like to use this space to keep a record of my therapy (artistically and otherwise) so that those of you who know me can know what's happening with me and those who may find themselves in similar situations may benefit from my work. I am not going to school. I am not working. Recovery is my full time job right now, and I'd like to share it with you.
I have been in San Diego since August. In those three months enormous changes have occurred in my life, and I have literally made leaps and bounds towards recovering my identity. But most frustratingly I have come to realize that this process is an incredibly slow one (as my therapist says it took years to get to this place, getting out of it is not going to occur overnight.) Turns out it's not going to occur over several months either, and that in fact it is a continuously evolving process that is never actually done. In the masters program we learned that research is a continuously revolving, evolving process: there is no start and there is no real finish. There's only your place in it. The design process occurs in much the same way, circling back on itself and sometimes taking an unexpected turn. I have begun to think of therapy in much the same way. There are days when I wake up feeling elated only to find myself lonesome and depressed just a few hours later for no obvious reason. As I read back over my journaling from a month or two ago I can't help but laugh at my bold assortments about being over my ex, only to read in the very next entry how down I am over missing him. The point is it's a process, albeit a frustrating one.
As slow and painful as this process has been, there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choices in coming here and in withdrawing from the masters program to work on myself, and I dare to say it, even in ending things with my ex so I could spend this time working on me. There are days when this process could be compared in relearning to walk after a debilitating accident, only in my case it's like I've had hundreds of tiny accidents and a few big ones.
In my therapy I was asked to create a mission statement which would help me make choices for my life that were more in line with the greater goals I have set for myself. I found the process of writing a mission statement incredibly empowering and I highly, highly suggest creating one for yourself. I think couples should create one for themselves as well. So here's mine:
Mission Statement
The people and things I commit to my life, along with the actions I take are for the greater good of my life rather than for the benefit of others or to meet a short term need.
My intentions for my life include physical and emotional well-being, financial and emotional independence, stability in those I choose to be with, and a sense of purpose that comes from helping others in a professional rather than personal capacity.
I will actively pursue these intentions through the actions I take, not only allowing people and things into my life that are catalysts for well-being, but also allowing myself the time and money to invest in me, acknowledging that while the opinions of others are valid to a certain degree, only I can know and fulfill the true intentions for my life.
So that's it. It's important to recognize that a mission statement is a living document and as our life goals change, so will the mission statement.
One more thing before I go, though I have so much more to tell you. Something that I learned today is that I have difficulty honoring my emotions. For some reason I have developed the sense that it is bad to feel sad or to be angry. Now I must dismantle this old belief. In fact, it is healthful to allow oneself to honor the emotions we feel, it is a part of the healing process. I'm not quite sure yet that I understand what it means to honor your emotions, but it's something I want to learn to do, so suggestions are welcomed.
Thanks for reading. Until next time. Z
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