Living More Consciously

So I want to tell you about this really amazing thing that happened to me.

I have been reading a lot lately about synchronicity or synchrodestiny, as Julia Cameron calls it. The idea is that when you become more aware and mindful within the universe, you begin to notice wonderful things befalling you. Chopra, for example, tells us to pay close attention to so-called coincidences. He states that once you begin to pay attention to these events or triggers you will soon realize that they are not coincidences at all but rather the universe handing you what you need or want, events which we create simply through your own mindfulness. If this line of thinking is true (and there is plenty of evidence to say that it is) it means that as humans we are truly capable of achieving anything our hearts can dream up. And that's pretty damn terrifying. Because it means of course that if you are not happy with you job, your love life, your health and wellness, it's pretty much your own fault.

This is not really new news, books like The Secret have been telling us this for a long time. It's just a hard pill to swallow. It means that we must, for a second, step outside our social conditioning and accept that yes, the matrix is real, and no, it need not control us. I admit, I was skeptical at first too. Week after week in,y Artists Way workbook, Julia would ask me if I had experienced any examples of synchrodestiny yet, and week after week I could honestly say I hadn't. But i am beginning to think that my mind was just too closed off to it. And then something really interesting happened. I was reading an article about abundance and meditation which suggested you spend twenty minutes a day for seven days in a row meditating about something that made you extremely happy, that you wanted for your life. It could pertain to your job, your social life, family, anything, but you had to make your visualization as specific as possible and see it happening now, and not in the future. So I decided to try this. I found twenty minutes was a little too long for me, despite what the article stated, so after the first day I switched to ten minutes with a five minute snooze set on my alarm. I easily did the fifteen minutes. The first day I did the meditation I focused on my personal relationships and social life. I envisioned myself with a loving man and lots of warm, wonderful friends. I saw us laughing together, preparing meals together. I envisioned a happy home. And I envisioned it all happening NOW, which is a little scary, considering I wasn't even seriously dating.

The next day was Dec. 14th, the day of the terrible school tragedy in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. When I woke up and read the news I was bewildered and devastated. In my shocked state I gathered my writing materials and began the two mile trek to the ocean. I wasn't sure what would happen when I got there, but writing and the ocean have always cultivated a deep sense of peace and healing in me so i knew where i needed to go and what to do. But I never made it to the ocean. Along my walk I passed a handsome man around my age (who looked just as disheveled as myself). I said hello absent-mindedly and went on my way. A few minutes later I saw him again, and this time the connection was so strong and overpowering for us both that we began to carry on a conversation (from across a busy street). I spent the next few hours getting to know that man, both of us feeling as though we had known each other forever. A couple hours later I took him to the airport with a friend of his and wound up sharing wonderful conversation, beers, and my next three meals with this friend. Since then I have been in close touch with both men, one as a romantic interest and the other as a friend. I can't say yet where these events will lead, and I am not trying to think about any of that just yet. But I can't help but wonder how much my meditation had to do with these unexpected windfalls.

Here's one more example, in case you are still a little skeptical. Over the past week I have begun to more seriously look for a job. I was on Craigslist and found a position for a personal assistant that seemed like a good lead. I immediately applied for the position. I also made plans to visit another company the next day for a party staffing position. Then I did my meditation. I envisioned interviewing for the personal assistant job. I envisioned all the details of being offered the position, right down to what my desk looked like. Feeling refreshed and hopeful, I went to bed.

Guess what happened. Do you think I was offered the personal assistant position? Nope. Not even an interview. However, I went to the group interview for the party staffing and was offered a job, and a gig, on the spot. It's not my ideal work and it might be only temporary, but it's good pay for the gig with potential for future opportunities, and takes care of making New Year's Eve plans, a day I traditionally both dread and despise. So I can't help but think that the meditation played a part in both these occurrences, and that is pretty hopeful.

Apply mindfulness practice to the idea of abundance, and suddenly it seems as though opportunities abound. We have been told all of our lives that there is scarcity: scarcity of jobs, of money, of love. Is this true? Or is it just manipulation of fear? Am I afraid of getting hurt again by love, or of not getting a job or being able to pay my rent? Of course I am. But we must act in the face of fear. We must have courage. Courage is a funny thing. I tend to think about it in terms of heroes; people who faced great consequences and carried on. People like Harriet Tubman or Anne Frank. But if I am to separate courage from myself as this epic thing for heroes, well once again it takes the responsibility off myself to live my life courageously. And here's a fact: it takes an enormous amount of courage to choose to live differently than those around me have prescribed, to break the mold of expectation, to be afraid of failing and of falling, and yet to carry on. All my life people have told me that I am brave; moving far away from my family for school, moving to NYC at 22, leaving a marriage that was broken, believing in my profession even when others would have abandoned it. Coming here and then everything that happened in the wake of that decision. But to be honest, I have never felt brave. In each situation I did what I had to do to survive, and I can think of just as many situations where I acted cowardly. Some of these situations are even one and the same. Courage is a perception. To some, moving away was courageous. To me it was an escape. Courage is about testing your own boundaries, breaking your own habits, choosing your own destiny. What I am trying to say is it takes courage to live your life more mindfully. It takes courage to step outside the traditional lines of belief of what you 'should' be doing. It takes courage to share my process with you knowing that people will judge me. Yes, it is scary. Go ahead. Be afraid. Be awake. And act anyway. That is true courage.




Somewhat unrelated side note: last night I watched the movie Vegucated. It's about three people who go vegan for six weeks. I have been a vegetarian off and on for a number of years since I was a child. These days I follow a slightly altered policy: I *try* to eat a plant-based diet, and only eat meat that is local and organic. Except fish. I LOVE sushi. So I cheat with fish. I do partially vegan (no cow's milk) but I do eat cheese, butter, yogurt, eggs, and ice cream on occasion. I also have leather shoes that are my prized possession. So why am I telling you this? By now, unless you have been consciously living under a rock, you have probably gotten wind of the horrors that occur in slaughter houses and the disgusting conditions. That's the reason I first went veg in the first place. But watching this movie brought to light some things I hadn't considered. This is one of those situations where once you know that facts it feels incredibly irresponsible and hypocritical not to change your ways. So here, in brief, are some things i learned last night: As you might imagine, the conditions that animals are slaughtered under, milked, and forced to lay are simply put, atrocious. Imagine it as bad as you can possibly think of, and then imagine it ten times worse. The animals endure fear and pain and are not given anesthesia or medicine if they are ill because veterinary expenses would be too high. These animals suffer. Think of your cat or dog enduring the life and death that a typical raised-for-consumption animal endures. Is it really any different? And unfortunately your small local farm is probably participating in these same practices to keep up with the big guys and avoid their costs being even higher than they already are. Second, consuming animals at the rate we are currently is killing our planet. Very, very quickly. From deforestation to animal waste, to CO2 levels, we are hurting the planet at an alarming rate. Third, and perhaps saddest of all for me: if fishing rates continue at the rate they are now, by 2050 we will have completely depleted our oceans. 25% of animals pulled from the ocean are not target species and are therefore unnecessarily killed and then simply thrown back into the ocean. How tragic is that? Finally, overwhelming research shows that a plant-based diet significantly reduces diseases such as cancer and heart disease. But eating vegan does not mean eating only pastas and breads. That's not going to do anything good for your health, and in fact processed foods (such as pastas) are actually the enemy here. Plant-based is key here.

Ok, so this is what I am going to do. I am going to finish up all the animal products I have in the house (eggs, butter, and some delicious artisan cheese) and I am going to enjoy a few days of delicious meat and fish and cheese consumption with my new friends. And then I am going to do my own experiment by going vegan for six weeks. No, I will not be disposing of my beloved leather boots, but I will eat only non-animal products for six weeks and blog about my experience. There. I've said it in writing. Now I have to stick to it. But it seems to me a logical step in my goal of a more conscious lifestyle. Yes, ignorance is bliss, but consciousness feels oh so much better.

Happy living!

Fear vs. Courage

So I stumbled on a couple of websites last night and quickly tumbled into the wormhole that is the Internet, and got super excited about what i was finding, as you can probably tell from just what I shared on this blog last night. There was so so much more too. I instantly felt rejuvenated by what I was reading and couldn't wait to share my findings. So here's some interesting ideas on the absence of fear vs. courage.

On fear:
Fear is not the absence of courage. Courage is acting in spite of fear. We are all fearful. Much of our fear may be carry over from our social conditioning from our parents, which is in turn social conditioning from their parents unless of course they have broken out of this pattern to live more consciously. This is of course the goal if you want live a mire fulfilling, meaningful life. so you know how I love lists....in the name of full disclosure, here are a few things (big and small and in no particular order) that I am afraid of:

I am afraid that...
-I won't have anything meaningful to say to people when I meet them.
-I will never find 'the one,' especially if I let go of my ex.
-I will never have a family of my own.
-I will repeat the patterns, for better or worse, of my parents.
-I will never find the thing that truly satisfies me.
-I will go broke trying to find it.
-I will disappoint and/or embarrass my family in the process.
-I am not smart enough or talented enough to make it.
-I will die having regrets for an unfulfilled life.
-I will embarrass myself when talking on the phone (odd, I know).

Pretty hefty stuff, for the most part. Most of these fears are deep seated, and many of them are related. An exercise suggested by Steve Pavlina (stevepavlina.com) is to take any one of these fears and break it down into ten steps, from least fearful to most fearful. So for example, I am afraid I won't have anything to say to people in social situations. I am afraid of the awkwardness that ensues. So I cope with this by texting with friends I already have who are far away rather than engaging with the people around me; I already know I have plenty in common with them so it's easier. An obvious solution to this would be to leave my phone at home. An ideal solution would be to talk to, say, ten people at a party. But both of these options are too scary for me right now, and they exist on a spectrum of scariness. Don't take my phone might be a 4 or a 5 on the scariness scale, while talk to ten people might be a 10 on my spectrum. So maybe a 1 would be take my phone but keep it turned off in my purse. This is still scary for me, but not as scary as talking to ten people or even leaving my phone home. The idea here is that you begin with small risks and work up to bigger ones. It might take me five times before I am ready to successfully move from leaving my phone off in my purse to whatever step 2 might be, and that's ok. Each time I am practicing positive risk taking and reinforcing this skill. At the same time, I am breaking the cycle in which the negative or safe behavior is reinforced, which in this case is texting with friends rather than engaging with my present company. It is not a fast process, but I am interested to see how successful it will be. Small risks like these may in fact be gateways to greater risks, and lead to a life more fully lived.

Ok so here is a quote I found especially powerful in my readings last night. It is by Helen Keller. Enjoy.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."

Well said, Ms. Keller. Isn't that how we should all be living our lives?

And one more on social conditioning

A worthy read about the effects of social conditioning from our parents, teachers, society, and media.

http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/becoming-free-of-your-parents-and-social-conditioning

Negativity and the Role of Perception in Identity Making

Here's an interesting article on perception and identity which discusses the 'grass is always greener' phenomenon. Check it out.

http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/the-tricks-of-perception

A List of Things I am Thankful for

This is a list of things I am thankful for. I wrote this for on thanksgiving day, but I think it's a good reminder everyday. The world is full of abundance if you open your eyes!

Things I am thankful for:
I am thankful for this time to heal.
I am thankful for a loving family.
I am thankful for Zatoichi and Stoli
I am thankful I have Gia in my life.
I am thankful I found Stan.
I am thankful for Gabby, and all her wisdom and guidance.
I am thankful for my intuition.
I am thankful for good friends.
I am thankful for the delicious food on my table.
I am thankful for this time to rest.
I am thankful for the sun.
I am thankful for all my moms.
I am thankful for all of the material goods I possess.
I am thankful for the experiences I have had that have taught me so much.
I am thankful for my mentors.
I am thankful for the qualities, talents, and tools that god has given me to move through this world.

An Admission

In the past week I have received a considerable outpouring of love and support from friends and family who have started reading this blog. I want you to know that I am very grateful for all of you. But I also want to be clear that this blog is in no way a cry for help. As I write about my own struggles, I know some people will be shocked by what they read. Sometimes I am fearful that this 'airing of my dirty laundry' will embarrass my family or lead to false assumptions. But this is not about that. This blog details my own process of healing because I know there are other people out there who have experienced similar struggles and pain. Some of what I've shared on here is deeply painful for me because it requires me to come to terms with secrets I have kept from even myself for a long time. My journey has been far from simple and far from easy. And yet it is a beautiful one. My journey has been a process of self-discovery and healing that (I hope) will give hope to others who are struggling in their own processes. I am so excited to share my process with you because it is a story of survival and self-realization. I have learned that everyday is a step towards recovery, even those in which I seem to be going backwards.

There is a postcard with a zen saying written on it that I have thumbtacked to my wall right by my door, so that every time I leave my room I will read it. It says, "Every step of the journey is the journey." So what else do I have thumbtacked to my wall? Affirmations, Rules of the Road, an Artist's Prayer, a list of things i am thankful for, and a map that has the words "the journey is the destination" written across it.

Not long ago my relationship ended suddenly and painfully, taking away many friends with it. Then within a couple of weeks a close family friend was in a car accident that had him pinned under a semi trucks for hours, put him in a coma, and days and surgeries killed him. This man was like a brother to my dad, had a large family, and an unmistakable smile. I often remember him scooping me into his arms as a child. A week later, an old classmate and friend hanged himself in the town where I grew up. Then my aunt passed from a long and painful battle with an illness. My quality of work suffered as I tried to balance an intense academic load with feelings of guilt and loneliness. When I started to have panic attacks and other physical admonishments of stress, I knew I had to change something. So I began seeing a student therapist at one of the local colleges, because the sliding scale they offered was the only thing I could afford. At ten dollars a session, I slowly began to recognize a destructive pathway that had developed in my life, in which I coped with old pain in a number of unhealthy ways, such as people pleasing, drinking, socially isolating myself, and fleeing. Perhaps most dangerous was the tendency I developed to "lifeboat" as my therapist and I came to call it, in which I became the rock for everyone in my life but myself, parents, friends, boyfriends, and a husband, who would poor their instability into my open arms. How I wanted to fix them! How much value I felt by being the loyal friend or lover, always an open door, putting their feelings before my own. I saw this as nurturing and honorable. In fact, my sense of worth grew so much from this care taking that it seemed that my entire sense of purpose was derived from the care of others. I didn't know who I was if not a caretaker.

Through the Artists Way and therapy, meditation, yoga, and writing, I have begun to reclaim my identity. I am learning the art of self-care, and slowly but surely learning to listen to my intuition again and put my needs first. This is exciting! Each time I am able to identify a boundary, or allow myself time of leisure without regret, it is a small victory. Perhaps this may seem strange to some of my readers, but for me, these victories, though small, were and continue to be monumental steps of healing.

I would like to invite you to help me celebrate a reclaimed life by sharing some of my affirmations with you. This list is specifically geared towards my own process as a writer, but with a few modifications it could apply to my work on my well-being as well. As always, I encourage you to do this exercise on your own, and then choose even one to post somewhere you will see each day. Mine are posted near my bed so that they are the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

Affirmations

I am filled with inspired ideas.
I am a writer of poetry, prose, fiction and non-fiction
I have many talents I can draw on daily. I do not have to be just one thing.
I can follow my dreams and still sustain myself.
When I sit down to write, words flow out of me.
My writing is smart, funny, touching, and universal.
I can become an artist at any age.
Once I unblock my creativity I will have the strength to keep writing.

Do these seem a little over the top to you? A bit ambitious and not humble enough to be acceptable to the standards to which you may hold yourself? If they don't, well congratulations, you are already well on your way on your journey, but if they do, well that's the point. I reached my list of affirmations by first writing a list of defamations, that is, a list of everything I was most scared of about being an artist, being creative, or being happy. This list was filled with insecurities and self-hate. And then in order to make my list of affirmations, I flipped them around. Can you imagine what my first list looked like? It went something like this:

I have no good ideas.
My writing fits into no genre.
I'm not talented enough to be an artist, and my work is all over the place...
And so on.

This is how I really viewed my work and my worth as an artist. It was pretty depressing, but it was a starting point. Each day I see these affirmations, I take the time to read each one, and I think, maybe I am a good enough writer. Or daughter. Or girlfriend. Or teacher. Or friend. The point is that the affirmations open up my mind to see the limitless possibilities for my life and help me push away the critic inside me that wants me to believe I'll never be good enough. Yes, it would be wonderful if that voice inside me could be forever silenced, but for now, I am just trying to make my own voice louder. And my voice is a celebration of me.

I welcome you to share your thoughts, ideas, prayers, and affirmations with me here! Namaste.

10 Imaginary Lives I would like to lead

If I were ten years younger, had unlimited resources, or just the chance to do it all differently...

(In no particular order)

1. Child Psychologist
2. Chef
3. Travel Writer
4. Photo Journalist
5. Cowgirl
6. Yoga teacher
7. Life Coach/health and wellness coach
8. Zoologist
9. Vet technician
10. Life long student

Now make your own.