Strong feelings and a new day

I want to get this down before it disappears. I feel good right now. After three and a half days of feeling like shit, drinking too much, smoking too much, and generally incapable of fighting the loneliness that creeps into my body should I ever let down my guard, today I feel different.

I had a string recognitions occur this week. For one, I have been experiencing holiday blues. But I guess I didn't expect that because honestly I had one of the best thanksgivings I have had in years. My friend Mindy graciously invited me to spend the entire weekend with her family, we cooked together, drank wine together, I rolled out of bed and had coffee with them every morning, and we even went on one amazing kayaking trip (in November!) which resulted in beers and crabs and getting rescued so we didn't even have to have a boozy and windy ride back. I mean seriously? What could be better? Sunday night I began to feel the dread of things getting back to normal and drank my sorrows away with a new first date alla online dating, which inevitably led to a relentless hangover on Monday, making the anxiety and depression so much worse. Tuesday was therapy and my doc seemed to think I'd regressed; she even called in her super to talk about what was going on. The diagnosis? Post holiday blues. As great as spending the holidays with Mindy's family was, it was a reminder of what I don't have: a close knit, functional family, and a reminder of how much I have wanted and continue to want this myself. This brings about a familiar fear that this is never going to happen for me, that I'm too old, and that I wasted so many of my best years in a bad marriage and then recovering from that marriage.

I harbor a lot of these types of fears. For example, just one little phrase from my father insinuating that perhaps I wasted my time doing a masters degree that would not ultimately bring me satisfaction, let alone the 30k that masters degree cost me, sent me reeling into thoughts that I will never truly be satisfied with my career and I have wasted the opportunity to go to grad school for something I really want to do. And then there was the comment that I had 'to get something out of this experience' insinuating that my own mental health and well-being are not enough of a reward for all the work I have spent the last few months doing. At the time this comment made by one person seemed to be reflected in every voice around me. But someone please tell me, why do I have to fight so hard to be allowed my own well-being?

These are the fears that haunt me and reckon me paralyzed to take actions for myself. The are what brings about in me this unhealthy jealousy of people around me who have fulfilling families and careers and the sadness that results from that.

The second thing I have realized this week was that all of this, the depression over the loss of one love, the prolonged marriage and resulting trauma, the absurd loneliness, all are the result of not feeling loved enough as a child, internalizing those feelings, and then not feeling good enough to be worthy of love. And then somewhere along the line I got the idea that if I could take care of other people I would have an innate sense of purpose. I would feel important and perhaps even worthy of love. I could also be everything everyone wanted of me; my lovers, my husband, my parents, my friends, I could take this enormous responsibility for pleasing everyone else onto myself and then maybe, just maybe, I would be lovable. I learned to repress anger and sadness and to be enormously hard on myself. Because of course not being good enough would be the result of not working hard enough, and would mean not being loved, and this is the deepest and most frightening fear I harbor.

So here's the good news. These are a child's fears. They are no less real, in fact in some ways they are more so because they formed during the formative time in my life when I was just coming to learn about love and family and self worth. But the reality is these feelings, this protective cocoon I have wrapped myself in, no longer serves me. I can honestly say that today I am surrounded by support. I have friends on every corner of this planet and there are people all around me who would like to get to know me. I have love. I HAVE LOVE! And I want to thank each and every one of my friends who are helping me on this journey, who have held my hand through all of this. When I am most alone with myself, I have you.

I am not going to pretend that this is over or that it ever will be over. All I can say is today is a good day, one where I can recognize the abundance the universe has to offer me, that my work has been worthwhile and that it is ok that I may not feel this way tomorrow. For now, I have today.

A New Recovery

So here's the deal...

I moved to San Diego
I broke up with my boyfriend
I enrolled in a year long masters program
I withdrew from the program
I started doing the artists way by Julia Cameron
I went back to therapy
I have begun writing again....and it feels really good.

I would like to use this space to keep a record of my therapy (artistically and otherwise) so that those of you who know me can know what's happening with me and those who may find themselves in similar situations may benefit from my work. I am not going to school. I am not working. Recovery is my full time job right now, and I'd like to share it with you.

I have been in San Diego since August. In those three months enormous changes have occurred in my life, and I have literally made leaps and bounds towards recovering my identity. But most frustratingly I have come to realize that this process is an incredibly slow one (as my therapist says it took years to get to this place, getting out of it is not going to occur overnight.) Turns out it's not going to occur over several months either, and that in fact it is a continuously evolving process that is never actually done. In the masters program we learned that research is a continuously revolving, evolving process: there is no start and there is no real finish. There's only your place in it. The design process occurs in much the same way, circling back on itself and sometimes taking an unexpected turn. I have begun to think of therapy in much the same way. There are days when I wake up feeling elated only to find myself lonesome and depressed just a few hours later for no obvious reason. As I read back over my journaling from a month or two ago I can't help but laugh at my bold assortments about being over my ex, only to read in the very next entry how down I am over missing him. The point is it's a process, albeit a frustrating one.

As slow and painful as this process has been, there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choices in coming here and in withdrawing from the masters program to work on myself, and I dare to say it, even in ending things with my ex so I could spend this time working on me. There are days when this process could be compared in relearning to walk after a debilitating accident, only in my case it's like I've had hundreds of tiny accidents and a few big ones.

In my therapy I was asked to create a mission statement which would help me make choices for my life that were more in line with the greater goals I have set for myself. I found the process of writing a mission statement incredibly empowering and I highly, highly suggest creating one for yourself. I think couples should create one for themselves as well. So here's mine:

Mission Statement

The people and things I commit to my life, along with the actions I take are for the greater good of my life rather than for the benefit of others or to meet a short term need.

My intentions for my life include physical and emotional well-being, financial and emotional independence, stability in those I choose to be with, and a sense of purpose that comes from helping others in a professional rather than personal capacity.

I will actively pursue these intentions through the actions I take, not only allowing people and things into my life that are catalysts for well-being, but also allowing myself the time and money to invest in me, acknowledging that while the opinions of others are valid to a certain degree, only I can know and fulfill the true intentions for my life.

So that's it. It's important to recognize that a mission statement is a living document and as our life goals change, so will the mission statement.

One more thing before I go, though I have so much more to tell you. Something that I learned today is that I have difficulty honoring my emotions. For some reason I have developed the sense that it is bad to feel sad or to be angry. Now I must dismantle this old belief. In fact, it is healthful to allow oneself to honor the emotions we feel, it is a part of the healing process. I'm not quite sure yet that I understand what it means to honor your emotions, but it's something I want to learn to do, so suggestions are welcomed.

Thanks for reading. Until next time. Z