A New Recovery

So here's the deal...

I moved to San Diego
I broke up with my boyfriend
I enrolled in a year long masters program
I withdrew from the program
I started doing the artists way by Julia Cameron
I went back to therapy
I have begun writing again....and it feels really good.

I would like to use this space to keep a record of my therapy (artistically and otherwise) so that those of you who know me can know what's happening with me and those who may find themselves in similar situations may benefit from my work. I am not going to school. I am not working. Recovery is my full time job right now, and I'd like to share it with you.

I have been in San Diego since August. In those three months enormous changes have occurred in my life, and I have literally made leaps and bounds towards recovering my identity. But most frustratingly I have come to realize that this process is an incredibly slow one (as my therapist says it took years to get to this place, getting out of it is not going to occur overnight.) Turns out it's not going to occur over several months either, and that in fact it is a continuously evolving process that is never actually done. In the masters program we learned that research is a continuously revolving, evolving process: there is no start and there is no real finish. There's only your place in it. The design process occurs in much the same way, circling back on itself and sometimes taking an unexpected turn. I have begun to think of therapy in much the same way. There are days when I wake up feeling elated only to find myself lonesome and depressed just a few hours later for no obvious reason. As I read back over my journaling from a month or two ago I can't help but laugh at my bold assortments about being over my ex, only to read in the very next entry how down I am over missing him. The point is it's a process, albeit a frustrating one.

As slow and painful as this process has been, there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choices in coming here and in withdrawing from the masters program to work on myself, and I dare to say it, even in ending things with my ex so I could spend this time working on me. There are days when this process could be compared in relearning to walk after a debilitating accident, only in my case it's like I've had hundreds of tiny accidents and a few big ones.

In my therapy I was asked to create a mission statement which would help me make choices for my life that were more in line with the greater goals I have set for myself. I found the process of writing a mission statement incredibly empowering and I highly, highly suggest creating one for yourself. I think couples should create one for themselves as well. So here's mine:

Mission Statement

The people and things I commit to my life, along with the actions I take are for the greater good of my life rather than for the benefit of others or to meet a short term need.

My intentions for my life include physical and emotional well-being, financial and emotional independence, stability in those I choose to be with, and a sense of purpose that comes from helping others in a professional rather than personal capacity.

I will actively pursue these intentions through the actions I take, not only allowing people and things into my life that are catalysts for well-being, but also allowing myself the time and money to invest in me, acknowledging that while the opinions of others are valid to a certain degree, only I can know and fulfill the true intentions for my life.

So that's it. It's important to recognize that a mission statement is a living document and as our life goals change, so will the mission statement.

One more thing before I go, though I have so much more to tell you. Something that I learned today is that I have difficulty honoring my emotions. For some reason I have developed the sense that it is bad to feel sad or to be angry. Now I must dismantle this old belief. In fact, it is healthful to allow oneself to honor the emotions we feel, it is a part of the healing process. I'm not quite sure yet that I understand what it means to honor your emotions, but it's something I want to learn to do, so suggestions are welcomed.

Thanks for reading. Until next time. Z