Strong feelings and a new day

I want to get this down before it disappears. I feel good right now. After three and a half days of feeling like shit, drinking too much, smoking too much, and generally incapable of fighting the loneliness that creeps into my body should I ever let down my guard, today I feel different.

I had a string recognitions occur this week. For one, I have been experiencing holiday blues. But I guess I didn't expect that because honestly I had one of the best thanksgivings I have had in years. My friend Mindy graciously invited me to spend the entire weekend with her family, we cooked together, drank wine together, I rolled out of bed and had coffee with them every morning, and we even went on one amazing kayaking trip (in November!) which resulted in beers and crabs and getting rescued so we didn't even have to have a boozy and windy ride back. I mean seriously? What could be better? Sunday night I began to feel the dread of things getting back to normal and drank my sorrows away with a new first date alla online dating, which inevitably led to a relentless hangover on Monday, making the anxiety and depression so much worse. Tuesday was therapy and my doc seemed to think I'd regressed; she even called in her super to talk about what was going on. The diagnosis? Post holiday blues. As great as spending the holidays with Mindy's family was, it was a reminder of what I don't have: a close knit, functional family, and a reminder of how much I have wanted and continue to want this myself. This brings about a familiar fear that this is never going to happen for me, that I'm too old, and that I wasted so many of my best years in a bad marriage and then recovering from that marriage.

I harbor a lot of these types of fears. For example, just one little phrase from my father insinuating that perhaps I wasted my time doing a masters degree that would not ultimately bring me satisfaction, let alone the 30k that masters degree cost me, sent me reeling into thoughts that I will never truly be satisfied with my career and I have wasted the opportunity to go to grad school for something I really want to do. And then there was the comment that I had 'to get something out of this experience' insinuating that my own mental health and well-being are not enough of a reward for all the work I have spent the last few months doing. At the time this comment made by one person seemed to be reflected in every voice around me. But someone please tell me, why do I have to fight so hard to be allowed my own well-being?

These are the fears that haunt me and reckon me paralyzed to take actions for myself. The are what brings about in me this unhealthy jealousy of people around me who have fulfilling families and careers and the sadness that results from that.

The second thing I have realized this week was that all of this, the depression over the loss of one love, the prolonged marriage and resulting trauma, the absurd loneliness, all are the result of not feeling loved enough as a child, internalizing those feelings, and then not feeling good enough to be worthy of love. And then somewhere along the line I got the idea that if I could take care of other people I would have an innate sense of purpose. I would feel important and perhaps even worthy of love. I could also be everything everyone wanted of me; my lovers, my husband, my parents, my friends, I could take this enormous responsibility for pleasing everyone else onto myself and then maybe, just maybe, I would be lovable. I learned to repress anger and sadness and to be enormously hard on myself. Because of course not being good enough would be the result of not working hard enough, and would mean not being loved, and this is the deepest and most frightening fear I harbor.

So here's the good news. These are a child's fears. They are no less real, in fact in some ways they are more so because they formed during the formative time in my life when I was just coming to learn about love and family and self worth. But the reality is these feelings, this protective cocoon I have wrapped myself in, no longer serves me. I can honestly say that today I am surrounded by support. I have friends on every corner of this planet and there are people all around me who would like to get to know me. I have love. I HAVE LOVE! And I want to thank each and every one of my friends who are helping me on this journey, who have held my hand through all of this. When I am most alone with myself, I have you.

I am not going to pretend that this is over or that it ever will be over. All I can say is today is a good day, one where I can recognize the abundance the universe has to offer me, that my work has been worthwhile and that it is ok that I may not feel this way tomorrow. For now, I have today.