A Life Well Lived

Today I woke up and I couldn't help but think what a blessing my life is. I've just gotten a wonderful night's sleep, I am huddled in blankets even though I live in San Diego, I've just gotten off the phone with a friend who has had an epiphany in his own healing process, and I have a daunting task ahead of me. I have to call two different bosses and tell them I will not be returning to their work their jobs. I am nervous about this. In a time of economic recession, when I am living more on savings than I would like to be, I have to turn away perfectly good jobs for various reasons. One of those reasons is because the position simply isn't right for me anymore and despite the fact that I like it, I find this job pulls me away from my higher purpose. What's scary is I'm not sure right now what that purpose even is. So here's where my dilemma of conscience comes into play. It's easy in times like this to maintain a fear mentality: one in the basket is better than two in the bush, right? If we let our fear (created by social conditioning) guide us the situation looks drastically different: I should do this job, I shouldn't take a chance, to do so would be irresponsible and being irresponsible is ultimately bad, destructive, and unethical. I could damage my future, right? What if I told you that it was more damaging to listen to the 'shoulds' and that your greater happiness lies in taking that risk. Let's play a quick game of 'would you rather.' Would you rather have money or happiness? Both you say? Absolutely! Why should you choose? But which is more likely, that you will do something you love and suddenly one day discover you are making money doing it, or that you do something that makes you a lot of money and suddenly wake up one day and realize you love doing it? I believe we will ultimately choose the path of happiness or die full of regrets. There are no guarantees in life, that much is true, except perhaps this: you will one day die. And on the day that you are to die, what regrets will you have? Will you believe you have had a life well lived? What are the things that will matter to you then? Family, friends, love, fulfillment? The universe has shown me in myriad ways that we learn more from our failings than from our successes. If you takes risks, you will fail, undoubtedly. But you will learn, and you will have lived! What if you never take those risks? As humans we have an obligation to live our lives fully. We are extraordinary creatures, capable of extraordinary things: love, invention, art, emotion, to name just a few. Whether you believe in God or not in inconsequential here; there is no denying that we are beautiful beings capable of amazing feats. You owe it to no one but yourself, not your parents, not your spouse, not your society, not your god, to live your life fully, and ultimately you will be your own judge of a life well lived.

As I mentioned before, I have a friend who told me today about a crisis of conscience he was having. For years he has been meeting the world's expectation of what he 'should' be: culturally, sexually, professionally. This failure of inward to meet outward has had many negative effects on him physically and emotionally. Truly, his life is out of sorts. I can relate. How many years have I spent living my life by someone else's clock without even knowing it? Thinking society's desires for me were my private desires. How do we possibly break free of this matrix society has created for us? I don't know. It is very difficult to live outside the norms of expectation. It is a constant struggle. Family, friends, the news, all tell us in tiny subliminal messages how and who we 'should' be. The only answer I can offer, which is a constant struggle for me, is mindfulness. When I do my morning pages, I am paying attention. It might not seem like much. My morning pages often read like grocery lists: I should be doing this, I need to remember this, I'm not sure how I feel about what she said or what he did. I try not judge these pages, I try to have compassion. I put it down on paper. I use my pages to rest, to blurt, to whine. It is on these pages that I honor and let go of these irrational fears. And then I move on. Meditation helps also. I ruminate on a subject, often not knowing where it will take me. I have a special spot where I meditate, a special ritual. I have a particular chair I sit in only for meditation, a candle I light, a blanket I drape over me, a radio station I turn on. I sink into that chair and I sink into my thoughts, into the quiet space that belongs to me and only me. My mind is clearest during the 20 minutes a day when I meditate. I used to call friends or family when I had a decision to make. The most well-meaning friends can undo me, confuse me. I am most able to make decisions when I am mindful, and I am most mindful when I write, meditate, walk, run, and do yoga. I am learning how to listen. I believe in my own truth and I believe that my heart will not steer me wrong.

It is a risk to believe that this kind of happiness and success can exist out of nothing. We are much more comfortable in our lives running in survival mode. This frantic way of being is safe, acceptable, and we have grown comfortable with its frantic quality. To strip away the layers of this, to ask, am I really happy, could there be something better out there that is not the result of working harder at my job, managing my money more carefully, seeking out that next advancement? Well to believe that would mean the entire way we have lived our lives thus far might be wrong. And that's a damn scary thought. I have never been an especially faithful person. Despite relying on my intuition, in that way I am particularly concrete. So it was not until I was faced with my own crisis, it was not until everything I thought I should love, and should want, fell away that I was able to acknowledge that I was not happy, that perhaps my intuition, or what I thought for so long was my intuition could have steered me wrong. Just as I lived in survival mode for so many years, that part of me died as a means of survival. I had no choice but to accept that there was a different way of living, that choosing to live my life at all was even a possibility. I will not presuppose to tell anyone how they should live their life. I will say only this: I have struggled since puberty with depression, was diagnosed with seasonally activated depression, fatigue, dangerous anemia, acute anxiety, and panic attacks. I admit, I have even been suicidal in my lifetime. I have been in abusive relationships, a failed marriage and have a history of making disappointing career choices. And yet I am incredibly grateful for what life has given me, the challenges I have faced. My life, my love, my faith and my happiness are far greater now than they have ever been, and it is not because of some relationship, it is not because of the kids that society says I should have by now, or the career, or having a home or enough money in the bank. It is because I have chosen to march out of tune, because I have decided that there is more than one pathway to happiness. So if you run into me on the street one day and I smile, give you a hug, and tell you I love you, do not be alarmed. It is only an invitation, nothing more. If you've discovered the secret to happiness, and you walk your own path, well I hope someday my path crosses yours so that you can teach me about your happiness. But if you wonder, if you are curious, if you think just maybe you could love your life a little more, than I invite you to walk with me for a short while, hold my hand and teach me about your love, your life, your happiness. And let our worlds become one.

Fake it til you Make it.

Sometimes you just need to follow your own advice. I have been writing morning pages (3 pages of longhand done first thing in the morning to clear your head) for about five months now. I have learned a lot in these pages. I have learned to rest, to breathe, to play, to vent, to cry, to scream, to find hope. I have learned to depend on these pages and this time and feel at a loss if I don't do my pages. This week's Artist Way assignment was to read my morning pages, highlighters in hand to pay attention to insights and calls for action. I must admit for the most part this task was dreadful. The pages were doldrum, whiny, boring, mostly. But then, at times, they were startlingly insightful. Here are some nuggets of wisdom, 28 to be exact, that helped me along the way. Maybe some of them are things you need reminding of too.

1.Every day is a gift.
2.I am strong, I always have been.
3.It hurts but it will get better.
4.You are not responsible for him.
5.You will find love.
6.Maybe I just need to accept things and let it go.
7.Take a run!
8.Maybe broken hearts never fully heal, like a heart attack, the little scars remain.
9.Therapy is everywhere.
10.In the end it doesn't matter what he thinks.
11.I'm sick of counterproductive love. It's exhausting.
12.She is a great joy in my life.
13.Life is a grand and beautiful thing.
14.They are just your insecurities. Push them aside and focus now.
15.I shouldn't overcommit.
16.Fake it til you make it.
17.I need to remember how blessed I am in this life.
18.I have discovered the cure for impulsiveness (depression/anxiety/anger etc.) is mindfulness.
19.Meditation really does work.
20.I need to slow down.
21.I am doing everything right.
22.Are you really too busy for play?
23.Listen.
24.The more I rest the more my body craves it and soaks it up.
25.Life is filled with abundance.
26.I am going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok.
27.My health and wellbeing are gifts.
28.Today is about love and gratitude.

Feel better? Me too.

Affirmations and Ideas for a New Year

The holidays have not been good for my unblocking, I must admit. I have been stuck in week eight of the Artists Way for over two weeks now. I can't even remember the last time i took an artists date. Julia would not be pleased (sometimes when i say stuff like that i feel like Julie from the movie Julie and Julia, only a whole lot less whiney.) So now we are a week into the new year and I am finally getting myself together. No, I haven't started my vegan challenge yet, and as you know I haven't been especially great at keeping up with my blog. What I have been doing, however, is catching up with friends who were away for the holidays and A LOT of interviewing. And the good news is over the past weekend I was offered two jobs, with the strong possibility of a third offer in the near future! They aren't career jobs, per se, but they are a foot in the door with two excellent companies with strong missions and practices towards health and wellness.

The first job, which I got in Friday and started yesterday, is with Greenfix Organic Smoothie (http://www.greenfixsmoothie.com/). In short, I am working at farmers markets around San Diego selling this amazing green smoothie stocked full of kale, parsley, romaine, dandelion, chard, collards, apples and bananas. Am I forgetting anything? Possibly. This stuff is really good for you. And believe it or not, it tastes great! Everything is organic and 12oz gives you a full days supply of vitamins. And it is boiling over with those leafy greens that we are all supposed to be getting, well they are truly cancer fighting superfoods with enormous health benefits. I am so excited to be working for this wonderful company and such great people!

I am thrilled about the second job as well. Chi Chocolat (http://www.chichocolat.net/) is a cafe and catering company very close to where I live. While I will be starting out mainly as a barista, I will assist with the catering as needed, hopefully moving into a position with growing responsibilities in baking and catering. I have always loved food and cooking, and this is an exciting opportunity for me to be a part of a growing business. Chi is also involved with the school lunch programs of several local schools, and nutrition education is a growing aspect of their business.

I am hopeful that these opportunities will open some doors for me in the future and I am proud of the work that I will be doing. Getting a job was one of my New Years resolutions (even though I don't make resolutions) and it feels great to have accomplished so much in the first week of the new year! Another *resolution* I have made is to improve the quality and readership of this blog. Be prepared, changes are under way. I want this blog to be a place to find tips and resources on health and wellness, food, and holistic living. While I will continue to talk about my own journey of self-discovery and share that with my readers, I hope to broaden to site to be more inclusive to a greater readership on the ongoing struggles of living meaningfully in a modern world. Thank you to my readers who have stuck by this blog is some of the worst of times. 2013 is going to be a very exciting year for me both personally and professionally, and I cannot wait to share that with you!

And now, some affirmations for a new year! From The Artists Way by Julia Cameron, chapter 8:

I am a talented person.
I have a right to be an artist.
I am a good person and a good artist.
Creativity is a blessing I accept.
My creativity blesses others.
My creativity is appreciated.
I now treat myself and my creativity more gently.
I now treat myself and my creativity more generously.
I now share my creativity more openly.
I now accept hope.
I now allow myself to heal.
I now accept gods help unfolding my life.
I now believe god loves artists.

Living More Consciously

So I want to tell you about this really amazing thing that happened to me.

I have been reading a lot lately about synchronicity or synchrodestiny, as Julia Cameron calls it. The idea is that when you become more aware and mindful within the universe, you begin to notice wonderful things befalling you. Chopra, for example, tells us to pay close attention to so-called coincidences. He states that once you begin to pay attention to these events or triggers you will soon realize that they are not coincidences at all but rather the universe handing you what you need or want, events which we create simply through your own mindfulness. If this line of thinking is true (and there is plenty of evidence to say that it is) it means that as humans we are truly capable of achieving anything our hearts can dream up. And that's pretty damn terrifying. Because it means of course that if you are not happy with you job, your love life, your health and wellness, it's pretty much your own fault.

This is not really new news, books like The Secret have been telling us this for a long time. It's just a hard pill to swallow. It means that we must, for a second, step outside our social conditioning and accept that yes, the matrix is real, and no, it need not control us. I admit, I was skeptical at first too. Week after week in,y Artists Way workbook, Julia would ask me if I had experienced any examples of synchrodestiny yet, and week after week I could honestly say I hadn't. But i am beginning to think that my mind was just too closed off to it. And then something really interesting happened. I was reading an article about abundance and meditation which suggested you spend twenty minutes a day for seven days in a row meditating about something that made you extremely happy, that you wanted for your life. It could pertain to your job, your social life, family, anything, but you had to make your visualization as specific as possible and see it happening now, and not in the future. So I decided to try this. I found twenty minutes was a little too long for me, despite what the article stated, so after the first day I switched to ten minutes with a five minute snooze set on my alarm. I easily did the fifteen minutes. The first day I did the meditation I focused on my personal relationships and social life. I envisioned myself with a loving man and lots of warm, wonderful friends. I saw us laughing together, preparing meals together. I envisioned a happy home. And I envisioned it all happening NOW, which is a little scary, considering I wasn't even seriously dating.

The next day was Dec. 14th, the day of the terrible school tragedy in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. When I woke up and read the news I was bewildered and devastated. In my shocked state I gathered my writing materials and began the two mile trek to the ocean. I wasn't sure what would happen when I got there, but writing and the ocean have always cultivated a deep sense of peace and healing in me so i knew where i needed to go and what to do. But I never made it to the ocean. Along my walk I passed a handsome man around my age (who looked just as disheveled as myself). I said hello absent-mindedly and went on my way. A few minutes later I saw him again, and this time the connection was so strong and overpowering for us both that we began to carry on a conversation (from across a busy street). I spent the next few hours getting to know that man, both of us feeling as though we had known each other forever. A couple hours later I took him to the airport with a friend of his and wound up sharing wonderful conversation, beers, and my next three meals with this friend. Since then I have been in close touch with both men, one as a romantic interest and the other as a friend. I can't say yet where these events will lead, and I am not trying to think about any of that just yet. But I can't help but wonder how much my meditation had to do with these unexpected windfalls.

Here's one more example, in case you are still a little skeptical. Over the past week I have begun to more seriously look for a job. I was on Craigslist and found a position for a personal assistant that seemed like a good lead. I immediately applied for the position. I also made plans to visit another company the next day for a party staffing position. Then I did my meditation. I envisioned interviewing for the personal assistant job. I envisioned all the details of being offered the position, right down to what my desk looked like. Feeling refreshed and hopeful, I went to bed.

Guess what happened. Do you think I was offered the personal assistant position? Nope. Not even an interview. However, I went to the group interview for the party staffing and was offered a job, and a gig, on the spot. It's not my ideal work and it might be only temporary, but it's good pay for the gig with potential for future opportunities, and takes care of making New Year's Eve plans, a day I traditionally both dread and despise. So I can't help but think that the meditation played a part in both these occurrences, and that is pretty hopeful.

Apply mindfulness practice to the idea of abundance, and suddenly it seems as though opportunities abound. We have been told all of our lives that there is scarcity: scarcity of jobs, of money, of love. Is this true? Or is it just manipulation of fear? Am I afraid of getting hurt again by love, or of not getting a job or being able to pay my rent? Of course I am. But we must act in the face of fear. We must have courage. Courage is a funny thing. I tend to think about it in terms of heroes; people who faced great consequences and carried on. People like Harriet Tubman or Anne Frank. But if I am to separate courage from myself as this epic thing for heroes, well once again it takes the responsibility off myself to live my life courageously. And here's a fact: it takes an enormous amount of courage to choose to live differently than those around me have prescribed, to break the mold of expectation, to be afraid of failing and of falling, and yet to carry on. All my life people have told me that I am brave; moving far away from my family for school, moving to NYC at 22, leaving a marriage that was broken, believing in my profession even when others would have abandoned it. Coming here and then everything that happened in the wake of that decision. But to be honest, I have never felt brave. In each situation I did what I had to do to survive, and I can think of just as many situations where I acted cowardly. Some of these situations are even one and the same. Courage is a perception. To some, moving away was courageous. To me it was an escape. Courage is about testing your own boundaries, breaking your own habits, choosing your own destiny. What I am trying to say is it takes courage to live your life more mindfully. It takes courage to step outside the traditional lines of belief of what you 'should' be doing. It takes courage to share my process with you knowing that people will judge me. Yes, it is scary. Go ahead. Be afraid. Be awake. And act anyway. That is true courage.




Somewhat unrelated side note: last night I watched the movie Vegucated. It's about three people who go vegan for six weeks. I have been a vegetarian off and on for a number of years since I was a child. These days I follow a slightly altered policy: I *try* to eat a plant-based diet, and only eat meat that is local and organic. Except fish. I LOVE sushi. So I cheat with fish. I do partially vegan (no cow's milk) but I do eat cheese, butter, yogurt, eggs, and ice cream on occasion. I also have leather shoes that are my prized possession. So why am I telling you this? By now, unless you have been consciously living under a rock, you have probably gotten wind of the horrors that occur in slaughter houses and the disgusting conditions. That's the reason I first went veg in the first place. But watching this movie brought to light some things I hadn't considered. This is one of those situations where once you know that facts it feels incredibly irresponsible and hypocritical not to change your ways. So here, in brief, are some things i learned last night: As you might imagine, the conditions that animals are slaughtered under, milked, and forced to lay are simply put, atrocious. Imagine it as bad as you can possibly think of, and then imagine it ten times worse. The animals endure fear and pain and are not given anesthesia or medicine if they are ill because veterinary expenses would be too high. These animals suffer. Think of your cat or dog enduring the life and death that a typical raised-for-consumption animal endures. Is it really any different? And unfortunately your small local farm is probably participating in these same practices to keep up with the big guys and avoid their costs being even higher than they already are. Second, consuming animals at the rate we are currently is killing our planet. Very, very quickly. From deforestation to animal waste, to CO2 levels, we are hurting the planet at an alarming rate. Third, and perhaps saddest of all for me: if fishing rates continue at the rate they are now, by 2050 we will have completely depleted our oceans. 25% of animals pulled from the ocean are not target species and are therefore unnecessarily killed and then simply thrown back into the ocean. How tragic is that? Finally, overwhelming research shows that a plant-based diet significantly reduces diseases such as cancer and heart disease. But eating vegan does not mean eating only pastas and breads. That's not going to do anything good for your health, and in fact processed foods (such as pastas) are actually the enemy here. Plant-based is key here.

Ok, so this is what I am going to do. I am going to finish up all the animal products I have in the house (eggs, butter, and some delicious artisan cheese) and I am going to enjoy a few days of delicious meat and fish and cheese consumption with my new friends. And then I am going to do my own experiment by going vegan for six weeks. No, I will not be disposing of my beloved leather boots, but I will eat only non-animal products for six weeks and blog about my experience. There. I've said it in writing. Now I have to stick to it. But it seems to me a logical step in my goal of a more conscious lifestyle. Yes, ignorance is bliss, but consciousness feels oh so much better.

Happy living!

Fear vs. Courage

So I stumbled on a couple of websites last night and quickly tumbled into the wormhole that is the Internet, and got super excited about what i was finding, as you can probably tell from just what I shared on this blog last night. There was so so much more too. I instantly felt rejuvenated by what I was reading and couldn't wait to share my findings. So here's some interesting ideas on the absence of fear vs. courage.

On fear:
Fear is not the absence of courage. Courage is acting in spite of fear. We are all fearful. Much of our fear may be carry over from our social conditioning from our parents, which is in turn social conditioning from their parents unless of course they have broken out of this pattern to live more consciously. This is of course the goal if you want live a mire fulfilling, meaningful life. so you know how I love lists....in the name of full disclosure, here are a few things (big and small and in no particular order) that I am afraid of:

I am afraid that...
-I won't have anything meaningful to say to people when I meet them.
-I will never find 'the one,' especially if I let go of my ex.
-I will never have a family of my own.
-I will repeat the patterns, for better or worse, of my parents.
-I will never find the thing that truly satisfies me.
-I will go broke trying to find it.
-I will disappoint and/or embarrass my family in the process.
-I am not smart enough or talented enough to make it.
-I will die having regrets for an unfulfilled life.
-I will embarrass myself when talking on the phone (odd, I know).

Pretty hefty stuff, for the most part. Most of these fears are deep seated, and many of them are related. An exercise suggested by Steve Pavlina (stevepavlina.com) is to take any one of these fears and break it down into ten steps, from least fearful to most fearful. So for example, I am afraid I won't have anything to say to people in social situations. I am afraid of the awkwardness that ensues. So I cope with this by texting with friends I already have who are far away rather than engaging with the people around me; I already know I have plenty in common with them so it's easier. An obvious solution to this would be to leave my phone at home. An ideal solution would be to talk to, say, ten people at a party. But both of these options are too scary for me right now, and they exist on a spectrum of scariness. Don't take my phone might be a 4 or a 5 on the scariness scale, while talk to ten people might be a 10 on my spectrum. So maybe a 1 would be take my phone but keep it turned off in my purse. This is still scary for me, but not as scary as talking to ten people or even leaving my phone home. The idea here is that you begin with small risks and work up to bigger ones. It might take me five times before I am ready to successfully move from leaving my phone off in my purse to whatever step 2 might be, and that's ok. Each time I am practicing positive risk taking and reinforcing this skill. At the same time, I am breaking the cycle in which the negative or safe behavior is reinforced, which in this case is texting with friends rather than engaging with my present company. It is not a fast process, but I am interested to see how successful it will be. Small risks like these may in fact be gateways to greater risks, and lead to a life more fully lived.

Ok so here is a quote I found especially powerful in my readings last night. It is by Helen Keller. Enjoy.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."

Well said, Ms. Keller. Isn't that how we should all be living our lives?

And one more on social conditioning

A worthy read about the effects of social conditioning from our parents, teachers, society, and media.

http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/becoming-free-of-your-parents-and-social-conditioning

Negativity and the Role of Perception in Identity Making

Here's an interesting article on perception and identity which discusses the 'grass is always greener' phenomenon. Check it out.

http://everydaywonderland.com/articles/the-tricks-of-perception