An Open Letter to You on This Final Annivesary

Dear Matt,

I wish I hadn't lost you.

I often wonder how long it will take before I no longer love you, and this hurt hurts no more. I know that I lost you long before I went away. We held on for a long time; a lot of tears were shed in that time. I still believe what you said when you told me I'd never love anyone else the way I'd loved you. And I still believe what I said-that my hope, my dream, is that I will find someone who can love me in the way that I loved you. My heart regrets not coming home when you asked me back. But my head knows that things were already too far gone at that point-and that you weren't offering a new life for us, only an old life of unhappiness again. As unhappy as I was alone, my heart knew I was better off choosing that life for myself-I had to take that chance. How could I have known that being truly alone would be so very lonely?

It is difficult now in this sea of sadness to remember the reasons I left. It was not for the sake of not loving you-though I admit I had begun to feel that way-but this was only a forced protection of my own heart. It was because you didn't love me, not really, not in the way I needed to be loved. I know that you thought you loved me. Like me, you thought we'd be together forever. I was your best friend, and you were mine. But this isn't love, not really, not the kind of love we needed to survive, and living with you had become next to impossible. When I look back I wonder how much of it was a phase you'd entered, a deep depression you hadn't admitted to, and it makes me sad that I didn't stick it out to be with you, that I couldn't help you. But then other times I wonder if this is just who you had become-5 years is a long time to wait-and what did I really know of you before? A carefree school boy? Well you could never be that again. None of us can.

Depression, anger, destructiveness of yourself and those around you, and bitterness had seeped into your life-and was destroying mine. How could you expect me to go on living like that? How could I have expected it of myself? Certainly I tried to honor our vows.

Someday I will learn to forgive myself for leaving you, even though I still loved you. It was the most painful decision I've ever had to make.

Forever Yours in Love,
your best friend,
Katy