A Life Well Lived

Today I woke up and I couldn't help but think what a blessing my life is. I've just gotten a wonderful night's sleep, I am huddled in blankets even though I live in San Diego, I've just gotten off the phone with a friend who has had an epiphany in his own healing process, and I have a daunting task ahead of me. I have to call two different bosses and tell them I will not be returning to their work their jobs. I am nervous about this. In a time of economic recession, when I am living more on savings than I would like to be, I have to turn away perfectly good jobs for various reasons. One of those reasons is because the position simply isn't right for me anymore and despite the fact that I like it, I find this job pulls me away from my higher purpose. What's scary is I'm not sure right now what that purpose even is. So here's where my dilemma of conscience comes into play. It's easy in times like this to maintain a fear mentality: one in the basket is better than two in the bush, right? If we let our fear (created by social conditioning) guide us the situation looks drastically different: I should do this job, I shouldn't take a chance, to do so would be irresponsible and being irresponsible is ultimately bad, destructive, and unethical. I could damage my future, right? What if I told you that it was more damaging to listen to the 'shoulds' and that your greater happiness lies in taking that risk. Let's play a quick game of 'would you rather.' Would you rather have money or happiness? Both you say? Absolutely! Why should you choose? But which is more likely, that you will do something you love and suddenly one day discover you are making money doing it, or that you do something that makes you a lot of money and suddenly wake up one day and realize you love doing it? I believe we will ultimately choose the path of happiness or die full of regrets. There are no guarantees in life, that much is true, except perhaps this: you will one day die. And on the day that you are to die, what regrets will you have? Will you believe you have had a life well lived? What are the things that will matter to you then? Family, friends, love, fulfillment? The universe has shown me in myriad ways that we learn more from our failings than from our successes. If you takes risks, you will fail, undoubtedly. But you will learn, and you will have lived! What if you never take those risks? As humans we have an obligation to live our lives fully. We are extraordinary creatures, capable of extraordinary things: love, invention, art, emotion, to name just a few. Whether you believe in God or not in inconsequential here; there is no denying that we are beautiful beings capable of amazing feats. You owe it to no one but yourself, not your parents, not your spouse, not your society, not your god, to live your life fully, and ultimately you will be your own judge of a life well lived.

As I mentioned before, I have a friend who told me today about a crisis of conscience he was having. For years he has been meeting the world's expectation of what he 'should' be: culturally, sexually, professionally. This failure of inward to meet outward has had many negative effects on him physically and emotionally. Truly, his life is out of sorts. I can relate. How many years have I spent living my life by someone else's clock without even knowing it? Thinking society's desires for me were my private desires. How do we possibly break free of this matrix society has created for us? I don't know. It is very difficult to live outside the norms of expectation. It is a constant struggle. Family, friends, the news, all tell us in tiny subliminal messages how and who we 'should' be. The only answer I can offer, which is a constant struggle for me, is mindfulness. When I do my morning pages, I am paying attention. It might not seem like much. My morning pages often read like grocery lists: I should be doing this, I need to remember this, I'm not sure how I feel about what she said or what he did. I try not judge these pages, I try to have compassion. I put it down on paper. I use my pages to rest, to blurt, to whine. It is on these pages that I honor and let go of these irrational fears. And then I move on. Meditation helps also. I ruminate on a subject, often not knowing where it will take me. I have a special spot where I meditate, a special ritual. I have a particular chair I sit in only for meditation, a candle I light, a blanket I drape over me, a radio station I turn on. I sink into that chair and I sink into my thoughts, into the quiet space that belongs to me and only me. My mind is clearest during the 20 minutes a day when I meditate. I used to call friends or family when I had a decision to make. The most well-meaning friends can undo me, confuse me. I am most able to make decisions when I am mindful, and I am most mindful when I write, meditate, walk, run, and do yoga. I am learning how to listen. I believe in my own truth and I believe that my heart will not steer me wrong.

It is a risk to believe that this kind of happiness and success can exist out of nothing. We are much more comfortable in our lives running in survival mode. This frantic way of being is safe, acceptable, and we have grown comfortable with its frantic quality. To strip away the layers of this, to ask, am I really happy, could there be something better out there that is not the result of working harder at my job, managing my money more carefully, seeking out that next advancement? Well to believe that would mean the entire way we have lived our lives thus far might be wrong. And that's a damn scary thought. I have never been an especially faithful person. Despite relying on my intuition, in that way I am particularly concrete. So it was not until I was faced with my own crisis, it was not until everything I thought I should love, and should want, fell away that I was able to acknowledge that I was not happy, that perhaps my intuition, or what I thought for so long was my intuition could have steered me wrong. Just as I lived in survival mode for so many years, that part of me died as a means of survival. I had no choice but to accept that there was a different way of living, that choosing to live my life at all was even a possibility. I will not presuppose to tell anyone how they should live their life. I will say only this: I have struggled since puberty with depression, was diagnosed with seasonally activated depression, fatigue, dangerous anemia, acute anxiety, and panic attacks. I admit, I have even been suicidal in my lifetime. I have been in abusive relationships, a failed marriage and have a history of making disappointing career choices. And yet I am incredibly grateful for what life has given me, the challenges I have faced. My life, my love, my faith and my happiness are far greater now than they have ever been, and it is not because of some relationship, it is not because of the kids that society says I should have by now, or the career, or having a home or enough money in the bank. It is because I have chosen to march out of tune, because I have decided that there is more than one pathway to happiness. So if you run into me on the street one day and I smile, give you a hug, and tell you I love you, do not be alarmed. It is only an invitation, nothing more. If you've discovered the secret to happiness, and you walk your own path, well I hope someday my path crosses yours so that you can teach me about your happiness. But if you wonder, if you are curious, if you think just maybe you could love your life a little more, than I invite you to walk with me for a short while, hold my hand and teach me about your love, your life, your happiness. And let our worlds become one.

Fake it til you Make it.

Sometimes you just need to follow your own advice. I have been writing morning pages (3 pages of longhand done first thing in the morning to clear your head) for about five months now. I have learned a lot in these pages. I have learned to rest, to breathe, to play, to vent, to cry, to scream, to find hope. I have learned to depend on these pages and this time and feel at a loss if I don't do my pages. This week's Artist Way assignment was to read my morning pages, highlighters in hand to pay attention to insights and calls for action. I must admit for the most part this task was dreadful. The pages were doldrum, whiny, boring, mostly. But then, at times, they were startlingly insightful. Here are some nuggets of wisdom, 28 to be exact, that helped me along the way. Maybe some of them are things you need reminding of too.

1.Every day is a gift.
2.I am strong, I always have been.
3.It hurts but it will get better.
4.You are not responsible for him.
5.You will find love.
6.Maybe I just need to accept things and let it go.
7.Take a run!
8.Maybe broken hearts never fully heal, like a heart attack, the little scars remain.
9.Therapy is everywhere.
10.In the end it doesn't matter what he thinks.
11.I'm sick of counterproductive love. It's exhausting.
12.She is a great joy in my life.
13.Life is a grand and beautiful thing.
14.They are just your insecurities. Push them aside and focus now.
15.I shouldn't overcommit.
16.Fake it til you make it.
17.I need to remember how blessed I am in this life.
18.I have discovered the cure for impulsiveness (depression/anxiety/anger etc.) is mindfulness.
19.Meditation really does work.
20.I need to slow down.
21.I am doing everything right.
22.Are you really too busy for play?
23.Listen.
24.The more I rest the more my body craves it and soaks it up.
25.Life is filled with abundance.
26.I am going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok.
27.My health and wellbeing are gifts.
28.Today is about love and gratitude.

Feel better? Me too.

Affirmations and Ideas for a New Year

The holidays have not been good for my unblocking, I must admit. I have been stuck in week eight of the Artists Way for over two weeks now. I can't even remember the last time i took an artists date. Julia would not be pleased (sometimes when i say stuff like that i feel like Julie from the movie Julie and Julia, only a whole lot less whiney.) So now we are a week into the new year and I am finally getting myself together. No, I haven't started my vegan challenge yet, and as you know I haven't been especially great at keeping up with my blog. What I have been doing, however, is catching up with friends who were away for the holidays and A LOT of interviewing. And the good news is over the past weekend I was offered two jobs, with the strong possibility of a third offer in the near future! They aren't career jobs, per se, but they are a foot in the door with two excellent companies with strong missions and practices towards health and wellness.

The first job, which I got in Friday and started yesterday, is with Greenfix Organic Smoothie (http://www.greenfixsmoothie.com/). In short, I am working at farmers markets around San Diego selling this amazing green smoothie stocked full of kale, parsley, romaine, dandelion, chard, collards, apples and bananas. Am I forgetting anything? Possibly. This stuff is really good for you. And believe it or not, it tastes great! Everything is organic and 12oz gives you a full days supply of vitamins. And it is boiling over with those leafy greens that we are all supposed to be getting, well they are truly cancer fighting superfoods with enormous health benefits. I am so excited to be working for this wonderful company and such great people!

I am thrilled about the second job as well. Chi Chocolat (http://www.chichocolat.net/) is a cafe and catering company very close to where I live. While I will be starting out mainly as a barista, I will assist with the catering as needed, hopefully moving into a position with growing responsibilities in baking and catering. I have always loved food and cooking, and this is an exciting opportunity for me to be a part of a growing business. Chi is also involved with the school lunch programs of several local schools, and nutrition education is a growing aspect of their business.

I am hopeful that these opportunities will open some doors for me in the future and I am proud of the work that I will be doing. Getting a job was one of my New Years resolutions (even though I don't make resolutions) and it feels great to have accomplished so much in the first week of the new year! Another *resolution* I have made is to improve the quality and readership of this blog. Be prepared, changes are under way. I want this blog to be a place to find tips and resources on health and wellness, food, and holistic living. While I will continue to talk about my own journey of self-discovery and share that with my readers, I hope to broaden to site to be more inclusive to a greater readership on the ongoing struggles of living meaningfully in a modern world. Thank you to my readers who have stuck by this blog is some of the worst of times. 2013 is going to be a very exciting year for me both personally and professionally, and I cannot wait to share that with you!

And now, some affirmations for a new year! From The Artists Way by Julia Cameron, chapter 8:

I am a talented person.
I have a right to be an artist.
I am a good person and a good artist.
Creativity is a blessing I accept.
My creativity blesses others.
My creativity is appreciated.
I now treat myself and my creativity more gently.
I now treat myself and my creativity more generously.
I now share my creativity more openly.
I now accept hope.
I now allow myself to heal.
I now accept gods help unfolding my life.
I now believe god loves artists.