A Life Well Lived

Today I woke up and I couldn't help but think what a blessing my life is. I've just gotten a wonderful night's sleep, I am huddled in blankets even though I live in San Diego, I've just gotten off the phone with a friend who has had an epiphany in his own healing process, and I have a daunting task ahead of me. I have to call two different bosses and tell them I will not be returning to their work their jobs. I am nervous about this. In a time of economic recession, when I am living more on savings than I would like to be, I have to turn away perfectly good jobs for various reasons. One of those reasons is because the position simply isn't right for me anymore and despite the fact that I like it, I find this job pulls me away from my higher purpose. What's scary is I'm not sure right now what that purpose even is. So here's where my dilemma of conscience comes into play. It's easy in times like this to maintain a fear mentality: one in the basket is better than two in the bush, right? If we let our fear (created by social conditioning) guide us the situation looks drastically different: I should do this job, I shouldn't take a chance, to do so would be irresponsible and being irresponsible is ultimately bad, destructive, and unethical. I could damage my future, right? What if I told you that it was more damaging to listen to the 'shoulds' and that your greater happiness lies in taking that risk. Let's play a quick game of 'would you rather.' Would you rather have money or happiness? Both you say? Absolutely! Why should you choose? But which is more likely, that you will do something you love and suddenly one day discover you are making money doing it, or that you do something that makes you a lot of money and suddenly wake up one day and realize you love doing it? I believe we will ultimately choose the path of happiness or die full of regrets. There are no guarantees in life, that much is true, except perhaps this: you will one day die. And on the day that you are to die, what regrets will you have? Will you believe you have had a life well lived? What are the things that will matter to you then? Family, friends, love, fulfillment? The universe has shown me in myriad ways that we learn more from our failings than from our successes. If you takes risks, you will fail, undoubtedly. But you will learn, and you will have lived! What if you never take those risks? As humans we have an obligation to live our lives fully. We are extraordinary creatures, capable of extraordinary things: love, invention, art, emotion, to name just a few. Whether you believe in God or not in inconsequential here; there is no denying that we are beautiful beings capable of amazing feats. You owe it to no one but yourself, not your parents, not your spouse, not your society, not your god, to live your life fully, and ultimately you will be your own judge of a life well lived.

As I mentioned before, I have a friend who told me today about a crisis of conscience he was having. For years he has been meeting the world's expectation of what he 'should' be: culturally, sexually, professionally. This failure of inward to meet outward has had many negative effects on him physically and emotionally. Truly, his life is out of sorts. I can relate. How many years have I spent living my life by someone else's clock without even knowing it? Thinking society's desires for me were my private desires. How do we possibly break free of this matrix society has created for us? I don't know. It is very difficult to live outside the norms of expectation. It is a constant struggle. Family, friends, the news, all tell us in tiny subliminal messages how and who we 'should' be. The only answer I can offer, which is a constant struggle for me, is mindfulness. When I do my morning pages, I am paying attention. It might not seem like much. My morning pages often read like grocery lists: I should be doing this, I need to remember this, I'm not sure how I feel about what she said or what he did. I try not judge these pages, I try to have compassion. I put it down on paper. I use my pages to rest, to blurt, to whine. It is on these pages that I honor and let go of these irrational fears. And then I move on. Meditation helps also. I ruminate on a subject, often not knowing where it will take me. I have a special spot where I meditate, a special ritual. I have a particular chair I sit in only for meditation, a candle I light, a blanket I drape over me, a radio station I turn on. I sink into that chair and I sink into my thoughts, into the quiet space that belongs to me and only me. My mind is clearest during the 20 minutes a day when I meditate. I used to call friends or family when I had a decision to make. The most well-meaning friends can undo me, confuse me. I am most able to make decisions when I am mindful, and I am most mindful when I write, meditate, walk, run, and do yoga. I am learning how to listen. I believe in my own truth and I believe that my heart will not steer me wrong.

It is a risk to believe that this kind of happiness and success can exist out of nothing. We are much more comfortable in our lives running in survival mode. This frantic way of being is safe, acceptable, and we have grown comfortable with its frantic quality. To strip away the layers of this, to ask, am I really happy, could there be something better out there that is not the result of working harder at my job, managing my money more carefully, seeking out that next advancement? Well to believe that would mean the entire way we have lived our lives thus far might be wrong. And that's a damn scary thought. I have never been an especially faithful person. Despite relying on my intuition, in that way I am particularly concrete. So it was not until I was faced with my own crisis, it was not until everything I thought I should love, and should want, fell away that I was able to acknowledge that I was not happy, that perhaps my intuition, or what I thought for so long was my intuition could have steered me wrong. Just as I lived in survival mode for so many years, that part of me died as a means of survival. I had no choice but to accept that there was a different way of living, that choosing to live my life at all was even a possibility. I will not presuppose to tell anyone how they should live their life. I will say only this: I have struggled since puberty with depression, was diagnosed with seasonally activated depression, fatigue, dangerous anemia, acute anxiety, and panic attacks. I admit, I have even been suicidal in my lifetime. I have been in abusive relationships, a failed marriage and have a history of making disappointing career choices. And yet I am incredibly grateful for what life has given me, the challenges I have faced. My life, my love, my faith and my happiness are far greater now than they have ever been, and it is not because of some relationship, it is not because of the kids that society says I should have by now, or the career, or having a home or enough money in the bank. It is because I have chosen to march out of tune, because I have decided that there is more than one pathway to happiness. So if you run into me on the street one day and I smile, give you a hug, and tell you I love you, do not be alarmed. It is only an invitation, nothing more. If you've discovered the secret to happiness, and you walk your own path, well I hope someday my path crosses yours so that you can teach me about your happiness. But if you wonder, if you are curious, if you think just maybe you could love your life a little more, than I invite you to walk with me for a short while, hold my hand and teach me about your love, your life, your happiness. And let our worlds become one.