An Admission

In the past week I have received a considerable outpouring of love and support from friends and family who have started reading this blog. I want you to know that I am very grateful for all of you. But I also want to be clear that this blog is in no way a cry for help. As I write about my own struggles, I know some people will be shocked by what they read. Sometimes I am fearful that this 'airing of my dirty laundry' will embarrass my family or lead to false assumptions. But this is not about that. This blog details my own process of healing because I know there are other people out there who have experienced similar struggles and pain. Some of what I've shared on here is deeply painful for me because it requires me to come to terms with secrets I have kept from even myself for a long time. My journey has been far from simple and far from easy. And yet it is a beautiful one. My journey has been a process of self-discovery and healing that (I hope) will give hope to others who are struggling in their own processes. I am so excited to share my process with you because it is a story of survival and self-realization. I have learned that everyday is a step towards recovery, even those in which I seem to be going backwards.

There is a postcard with a zen saying written on it that I have thumbtacked to my wall right by my door, so that every time I leave my room I will read it. It says, "Every step of the journey is the journey." So what else do I have thumbtacked to my wall? Affirmations, Rules of the Road, an Artist's Prayer, a list of things i am thankful for, and a map that has the words "the journey is the destination" written across it.

Not long ago my relationship ended suddenly and painfully, taking away many friends with it. Then within a couple of weeks a close family friend was in a car accident that had him pinned under a semi trucks for hours, put him in a coma, and days and surgeries killed him. This man was like a brother to my dad, had a large family, and an unmistakable smile. I often remember him scooping me into his arms as a child. A week later, an old classmate and friend hanged himself in the town where I grew up. Then my aunt passed from a long and painful battle with an illness. My quality of work suffered as I tried to balance an intense academic load with feelings of guilt and loneliness. When I started to have panic attacks and other physical admonishments of stress, I knew I had to change something. So I began seeing a student therapist at one of the local colleges, because the sliding scale they offered was the only thing I could afford. At ten dollars a session, I slowly began to recognize a destructive pathway that had developed in my life, in which I coped with old pain in a number of unhealthy ways, such as people pleasing, drinking, socially isolating myself, and fleeing. Perhaps most dangerous was the tendency I developed to "lifeboat" as my therapist and I came to call it, in which I became the rock for everyone in my life but myself, parents, friends, boyfriends, and a husband, who would poor their instability into my open arms. How I wanted to fix them! How much value I felt by being the loyal friend or lover, always an open door, putting their feelings before my own. I saw this as nurturing and honorable. In fact, my sense of worth grew so much from this care taking that it seemed that my entire sense of purpose was derived from the care of others. I didn't know who I was if not a caretaker.

Through the Artists Way and therapy, meditation, yoga, and writing, I have begun to reclaim my identity. I am learning the art of self-care, and slowly but surely learning to listen to my intuition again and put my needs first. This is exciting! Each time I am able to identify a boundary, or allow myself time of leisure without regret, it is a small victory. Perhaps this may seem strange to some of my readers, but for me, these victories, though small, were and continue to be monumental steps of healing.

I would like to invite you to help me celebrate a reclaimed life by sharing some of my affirmations with you. This list is specifically geared towards my own process as a writer, but with a few modifications it could apply to my work on my well-being as well. As always, I encourage you to do this exercise on your own, and then choose even one to post somewhere you will see each day. Mine are posted near my bed so that they are the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

Affirmations

I am filled with inspired ideas.
I am a writer of poetry, prose, fiction and non-fiction
I have many talents I can draw on daily. I do not have to be just one thing.
I can follow my dreams and still sustain myself.
When I sit down to write, words flow out of me.
My writing is smart, funny, touching, and universal.
I can become an artist at any age.
Once I unblock my creativity I will have the strength to keep writing.

Do these seem a little over the top to you? A bit ambitious and not humble enough to be acceptable to the standards to which you may hold yourself? If they don't, well congratulations, you are already well on your way on your journey, but if they do, well that's the point. I reached my list of affirmations by first writing a list of defamations, that is, a list of everything I was most scared of about being an artist, being creative, or being happy. This list was filled with insecurities and self-hate. And then in order to make my list of affirmations, I flipped them around. Can you imagine what my first list looked like? It went something like this:

I have no good ideas.
My writing fits into no genre.
I'm not talented enough to be an artist, and my work is all over the place...
And so on.

This is how I really viewed my work and my worth as an artist. It was pretty depressing, but it was a starting point. Each day I see these affirmations, I take the time to read each one, and I think, maybe I am a good enough writer. Or daughter. Or girlfriend. Or teacher. Or friend. The point is that the affirmations open up my mind to see the limitless possibilities for my life and help me push away the critic inside me that wants me to believe I'll never be good enough. Yes, it would be wonderful if that voice inside me could be forever silenced, but for now, I am just trying to make my own voice louder. And my voice is a celebration of me.

I welcome you to share your thoughts, ideas, prayers, and affirmations with me here! Namaste.