I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved.

Sometimes you have to be willing to close one door in order to open another one....

Today my husband told me (over text) that I should seriously consider finding someone new. Yesterday I got fired from my summer job-for a bullshit reason. The first reminds me of how slowly life changes sometimes. The second reminds me of how quickly.

I am thinking of ways to spend my new found freedom (without spending the money I will no longer be making). I want to be inspired again. It's my drug of choice. I feel on top of the world when I have it. I can conquer anything, ideas flow through me like rainwater. I'm magic.

Without it I lie in my pajamas on the living room floor. The air doesn't move. Sweat begins to pool. Not even the cats' tails twitch. I collect an enormous effort and check my facebook page. One new post. I wallow. I can't read, nor think. Music is boring. Movies are boring. Outside is boring. My brain is boring...
Anything to avoid this feeling.

I want to be happy again, to recover myself. But I can't remember being happy or ever owning myself. I am perpetually defined by the other. The mother I should be, the child, the sister, the friend, the wife. It's not me you see but a shell of who you think I should be. I am tired of being someone else. Being someone else's wife. I want to be married to myself!

I am taken aback by the statement that I do not know what it means to sacrifice. What about this I say? What about being here, away from my home, my family. What about the cities we lived in, the jobs I left for you? It was over text, so I didn't go on, but I could have. What about the time I lost? The nights I stayed up with you when you were too sick from too much drinking. What about the hours I spent caring for you, caring for our home? The miles I drove, the minutes I waited, the meals I cooked? What were those? The response: These are not sacrifices. The response: I'm self-absorbed and delusional. The response: His Family, His Friends, and He feel Used by me. The response: More Deflection.

The Question: Seriously??

I have been used up and spit out. I have sacrificed myself.

Why Can't I Close this Door?

On my very best days, I am an artist of EVERYTHING. But lately, I have become lost in the spaces in between words and faces.

I am hoping you can help me get found again.