It ain't me, babe.

I think I'm going to throw up.

After an afternoon of epic tears, talks, and heavy petting in hoboken, Matt and I have found ourselves exactly where we started: knowing that breaking up is the right thing to do, but finding it too heartbreaking to commit to. How do you put a cap on 11 years of your life? Good or bad, it was a journey of love and commitment, the one basket in which I put all my eggs. And as hurtful as he can be, he still knows how to make me laugh, even through the tears. Its times like this I can hardly remember why I wanted to break up in the first place, and yet here I am, putting down a security deposit on an apartment. I know it's the right thing to do. So why do I feel so sick?

Is it because in one fell swoop I have committed to something new, when I have spent so much of my time being committed to him? Is it because I am agreeing to make my life harder, moving to a tiny room barely big enough for a suitcase, let alone me and my two cats, taking on an hour plus commute (each way), living with a stranger? Being self-sufficient? Is this suppose to be exciting? Because it's not.

And in all those talks with him, the one thing I couldn't say was I think we should end this. Why in the world is this so hard if I have been so unhappy?

In our conversations I am slightly contented when he tells me that he understands what I am asking for from him, that he has in fact been listening, he knows what I need. It is good to know that afterall this maybe he has been listening. And yet here is the wall we have come up against time and time again. My need vs. what I want to preceive as his willingness. Time and again I ask, why can't you just be that person I need you to be? Why can't you give me what I need if it is so clear to you? What the hell is wrong with you that 'being you' prevents you from being a loving husband? Especially when I know you love me, when you tell me I have been so good to you, I am perfect in so many ways, I will make someone very happy someday. Why the hell can't it be you? Because you're the one I want to make happy. You're it, you're the only one. You're the one I married. So why not you? The answer is simple. It's just not. And I can't lie. You have always been crystal clear with me about that. I can remember you saying to me years ago, it ain't me, babe. Why couldn't I have believed you then? And why did I have to fall in love with someone incapable of loving me back in the same way? And why do I continue to be charmed by you even still? Even now I don't want to cut the cord, even now I hope you will come around to my point of view, be the person I need you to be.

It's hard to say goodbye to someone you still love. You have to trick yourself. Can't say it to his face, can't admit it out loud. So you rent a little apartment, commit yourself to something new. Write the check. Sign the paperwork. just keep going. Try not to be sick. Try to imagine that this will get easier.